Friday, August 3, 2012

Memo To Future Writers Of Captain America

I just finished reading a stack of Captain America comics (hey, it was July, and I was feeling patriotic!). They were a lot of fun, but the writers seemed to keep running variations of the same plot. So, future Cap writers, please no more plots about something from World War II being secreted away for years and then suddenly popping up in the 21st Century to hassle Cap! I mean I can't get a computer today to read a disk I had from 1992, and you're expecting me to believe that some technology from seventy years ago will suddenly go operational and work perfectly?

If you need an idea, then please try these instead:
1) Cap decides at age 90 that it's finally time to quit running from fatherhood and knocks up Agent 13.
2) Cap tries to bond with the hipsters infesting his hometown of Brooklyn.
3) Cap goes to Pakistan and takes out a couple of American drones that were about to blow up some civilians.
4) Cap goes to a bar and hangs out with Captain Canuck, Union Jack, Captain Chihuahua, and so on, and they watch the Olympics and complain about how hard it is to wear a flagish outfit since they can't go out in the rain without overly patriotic types complaining.
5) Tired of birthers, Cap investigates Obama's birth certificate for himself and is shocked to discover the president prefers Spider-Man.
6) Cap gets people from Occupy and the Tea Party to bond over how much they both hate the government.
7) Cap and The Falcon wear tight pants and go planking in a hopeless attempt to understand the youth of today.
8) Cap beats up lobbyists in Washington D.C.
9) Cap reads too much Ayn Rand and gets brainwashed into raving about the magic of the marketplace (a "plot" of The Red Skull, of course!).
and 10) Cap struggles with going on Social Security and Medicare while he's still healthier than most teenagers.

 I really hope I don't have to resort to writing fan fiction.

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