Tuesday, June 12, 2018

The Fake News Gazette

The Trump News Gazette*

Publishing All The News Donald Trump Likes Since 1783**

Today, the greatest President ever*** announced his new initiative to end all problems in America. Typically, the fake news media did not cover this announcement, focusing instead of some tawdry, unimportant scandal****. Yet, the news was huge. Called "Keep America From Becoming a Shithole," the new initiative takes all the money from the U.S Treasury and loans it to Trump, Inc. to finance an array of daring projects.***** The President touted just a project or two, and, by the way, if you'll pardon this aside from your humble correspondent, the President's hair looked AWESOME! But back to the content, for example, the Ohio Turnpike will now be named The Trump Turnpike. "I like the ring of that," the President said, "Kasich couldn't get the job done when he tried to sell the turnpike, but I get things done."

The audience was puzzled by the mention of Kasich, then Sarah Huckabee Sanders ran to the podium and explained to the audience that he was the governor of Ohio. "Forget him!" the President said, "I mean forget him again. You already forgot him. Sad! I also have some huge news. As you know I have asked for the resignation of my current Secretary of War."

Huckabee Sanders whispered something in the President's ear.

"Oh, yes," the President continued, "Defense. Defense. Like football. All right, folks, let's not get me started on the NFL. Shameful. Sad! Anyway, I think the best defense is a good offense, so I was very, very disappointed that the current Secretary of War, I mean Defense, hadn't started any wars. I mean, he's been in office for a year. And not a single war. I mean I'm not going to be like Obama and just be content to continue the wars of other presidents. I want one of my own. I want the history books to note a Trump Doctrine like that, you know, Madison Doctrine or whatever. So I am appointing Bobby Lashley as my new Secretary of Defense. Folks, he's tremendous. I worked with Bobby when I did some wrestling with my great friend Vince McMahon in his WWF. Bobby's also black, so to all those people who say I am racist, look who I am appointing as Secretary of War. He's going to do a tremendous job, folks. And to further prove I'm not racist, I'm going to ask Bobby to start in a white country, maybe Norway, for his first war."

"Come out, Bobby," the President called, and Bobby bounced onto the stage and posed shirtless, flexing his muscles for the crowd, "No, we'll start off with something easy like Iceland. Maybe you should have put in that Trump golf course, folks. The geysers would have been awesome if we made them water hazards. But, seriously, folks, Iceland's a terrific country. It's going to make a great state someday after we take it over."'

The audience applauded the President's brilliance. Bobby Lashley bodyslammed the one member of the audience who didn't applaud.******

*Formerly The Fake News Gazette

**Correction, since 2018

***Correction, the current President, not the greatest President, which is a title historians argue about.

****The current impeachment of the President trial going on in the Senate

*****Ideas left over from the Obama Administration that the Republican Congress would not fund.

 ******He later apologized to the man who it turned out was a double amputee who didn't have hands. The President invited the man to dinner and asked everyone there to give him a hand for attending. Then, noticing his unintended pun, he noted that everyone with hands should start their own "#MeToo" movement on Twitter since people without hands had real problems unlike those whiny feminists. The President further noted that the double amputee would be liked very well by those feminists since he couldn't grab anyone by the pussy. At this comment, Huckabee Sanders rose and slipped out the side door and went and had several Irish Car Bombs at a bar with Sean Spicer and your humble correspondent, who had also left earlier to start drinking heavily to write this article.

Monday, June 4, 2018

She-Hulk Joins The Avengers Again!

Well, you can't keep a good Hulk down.  Not much long after She-Hulk's own series got smashed (again!), she has reappeared.  She's back in The Avengers.  That was enough for me to try the first issue.  Not as fun as FF, her last team book that I bought, but it's good to see the character in use.  Writers of team books such as The Avengers always enjoy having characters they can develop since many of the other characters such as Captain America have solo books and, as a consequence, those writing their team books have less leeway with them.  So it looks like Shulkie will be playing that free spirit role for writer Jason Aaron.  From the one page with She-Hulk in the first issue, it looks as if Aaron is continuing Mariko Tamaki's storyline of She-Hulk as a post-traumatic stress disorder survivor.  I much prefer a fun She-Hulk, so I probably will be sitting this series out.  It isn't bad, but, having read many, many comic books over the years, it takes a bit more to hook me than what is here.  Still, it is nice to see She-Hulk back in the spotlight again so quickly.  Maybe if she becomes a fan-favorite here, then the wait for her next solo book will be much shorter!

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Flyer For The July 21st Reading

Mike Fournier sent along a nifty flyer made for the July 21st reading.  Here it is:

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Another Review Of Frequently Asked Questions About Being Dead

I stumbled across another review of Frequently Asked Questions About Being Dead!  I was pleasantly surprised to see that a writer pal of mine had written it.  I had sent a review copy to Razorcake, and my buddy Mike Fournier ended up reviewing it for them.  He definitely got it!  My favorite bit is "Even if you’re not into tipping sacred cows, Frequently Asked Questions about Being Dead is a fun read for its snappy dialogue, which moves with the gag-laden pace of good screenplays, or vaudeville. This book is a trip, well worth checking out."

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Cleveland Reading!

My zine buddy Mike Faloon has a new book out called The Other Night At Quinn's.  He's touring to promote it with Mike Fournier, another talented writer.  At their stop in the Cleveland, Ohio USA area, they're reading at Mac's Backs (1820 Coventry Road, Cleveland Heights, OH 44118).  The date is Saturday, July 21, 2018, and the reading starts at 7 p.m.  They invited Ben Stein and myself to read with them.  It should be a fun reading! It is free, so your money back if you don't like it! 

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Yeast? Warehouse Find!

An old buddy of mine recently surprised me by sending me ten copies of Yeast?'s Dick Bennett ep, a 7" record from back in 1994.  Long out of print, he had the copies leftover presumably from putting them on consignment at various Washington D.C. record stores.  I haven't had this record in stock since 2003 when the last copies were given away as part of the final issue of The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus zine.  Recorded when Yeast? first became a power trio (our other guitarist at the time simply didn't show up for the recording session and subsequently disappeared from the band entirely), this clear vinyl 7" has four songs on it:  "Johnson Wants To Rant", "Generic Smokes", "Big Daddy Pane", and "Warm Fuzz".  Our buddy Ryan poses on the cover as a parody/tribute to P.J. Harvey's 4-Track Demos cover.  It is for sale for $5 postpaid.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Update On Governor Highway Signs

In my seemingly nonstop Quixotic quest to get vain politicians to stop wasting taxpayer money by needlessly putting their names on highway signs, I thought I'd provide an update of the 2018 Ohio gubernatorial campaign.  At this point, I've emailed or called all the primary candidates that I could track down.

Of course, none of them have responded.

This is because:

a) politicians are vain and want their names on highway signs;

b) campaigns are busy;

c) they think I'm a crank;

or d) all of the above.

Ah, well, soon the primary will be over, and I can concentrate on fewer candidates.  Maybe then, I can email and call instead of one or the other.  My hope is, of course, some journalist or state representative will pick up the cause, and I can go back to just exclusively writing about silly stuff such as comic books and rock music.  Until then, the quest continues . . .

Here's what I have done so far.

Democratic Candidates

Dennis Kucinich/Tara Samples - Emailed/ No response

Analysis - I like Dennis, but he is undoubtedly an egomaniac, so I don't see him going for this, though, like all candidates, he should.

Bill O'Neill/Chantelle C. Lewis - Emailed/No response

Analysis - Given that O'Neill once printed all his campaign material in his own garage, I would have expected he would be all about saving money, but so far, it's crickets from Geauga County.

Paul E. Ray/Jerry Schroeder - Couldn't find any contact information

Analysis - If you run for governor, at least get a Go Daddy website or something.  Given this candidate has no chance, I didn't bother following up.

Joe Schiavoni/Stephanie Dodd - Emailed/No response

Analysis - If I were this guy from the Youngstown area, I would have held a press conference on I-80 in front of the Ohio border and pointed at Kasich's and Taylor's names on the sign and then the closed rest stop immediately after it and drawn the implication about misplaced budget priorities.  This guy is probably running just to get wider name recognition, but if you can't recognize the mileage you could get from a cheap political stunt like that, maybe you shouldn't bother running next time anyway.

Richard Cordray/Betty Sutton - The email bounced back, so I called and left a voicemail.

Analysis - This guy seems like he has pennypinching potential, but if you can't get your website email working, should I really trust you with running a state government?

Larry Ealy/Jeffrey Lynn -  See Ray/Schroeder above.  Supposedly, Ealy is a former male stripper.  He should have done a striptease by the Welcome to Ohio highway sign outside Cincinnati and said he would strip out unnecessary spending.

Green Party

Constance Gadell-Newton/Brett R. Joseph - Emailed/No response

Analysis - Given that she's running unopposed, maybe the campaign is on cruise control until the fall, but this was still a disappointment.  The previous Green Party candidate earned my vote by being the sole candidate to pledge to do away with the governor's name on the Welcome to Ohio highway signs.

Republican Party

Mike DeWine/Jon Husted - Emailed/No response

Analysis - Given the pissing match over who is most primitive going on right now, DeWine should have beaten up Taylor over this fiscal responsibility issue.  After all, her name is currently on the signs.

Mary Taylor/Nathan Estruth - Couldn't find any contact information.

Analysis - Given that Taylor's name is up on the signs currently, I didn't hold much hope here, but one would think she would have an email or phone number listed on her campaign site.  Apparently, you can give her money, but otherwise she doesn't want to hear from you.