Thursday, April 23, 2020

drinkdrankdrunk: "GM's Prescription For A Healthy Lifestyle" by Food Fortunata

Otter Muscles was the premier goalie on an otherwise lackluster minor league hockey franchise, the Hamilton Ears.

The Ears were on a current, league-record, 7012 game losing streak when Otter Muscles pulled his famous caper.  Losing by a score of 8000-2, Otter planted a hibiscus in the middle of the ice using only a slice of gouda cheese to dig the hole. Such a play, as everyone well knows, results in the awarding of 83 1/2 points and the removal of a cat spleen.

Ever since, it has been known that a man named Trapdoor Timmy will yodel on contact and the ice cream scoops he so cherishes are doomed to a life in Great Britain.

***

General Motors is a really nice bunch of people.  Especially the upper levels of their management, who understand that most Americans really don't like working all that much.  Thus, they have seen fit to help relieve many individuals from the burden of excess labor.  As a reward for their own thoughtfulness, they have also awarded themselves massive bonuses.  Federal, state, and local governments will do likewise, in short order.  In the near future, GM will be helping more and more people in this same way until eventually only the CEO will be left.  At that point, all GM vehicles will be assembled free of charge by some very fortunate orphans, who will be fed on the corpses of former GM employees, now starved to death.

***

It was around the time I turned 62 that I realized how nifty everything really was.  I started to truly appreciate the magic of cellular telephones and SUVs.  I started to see the beauty in landfills and intrusive governmental policies.  The equation Patriot Act = Freedom finally made sense.  It became clear why a miserable economy was so advantageous.  I finally saw why I needed no health care and why I didn't deserve any part of what others had.  With age comes wisdom is what they say.  It must be true.

***

Apples are quickly becoming the number one cause of death for lawyers and priests.

Guy Debord is teaching us something about sandwich construction, if only we are willing to learn.

Ah . . . the wonder of a misty morning on the underside of a rat's rear end!

Twelve times, we repeat the secret phrase and the fruit of our labor becomes apparent.  In the distance, a bagel bludgeons a raccoon half to death and Kenny Loggins kicks into another chorus of "Footloose".

This is an excerpt from the zine novel Francois Echidna And The Terrible Rash.  Food Fortunata is a musician and writer from Saginaw, Michigan USA.  If you go into a certain record store in Lakewood, Ohio USA, the proprietor will tell you that Food is a genius for his work with such outfits as The Lettuce Vultures and Sockeye.  I concur and am happy to feature his work as part of drinkdrankdrunk.  Contact Food to see what he's up to next at Wheelchair Full Of Old Men, P.O. Box 6061, Saginaw, MI 48608 USA.

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