Saturday, April 25, 2020

drindrankdrunk: "BUMPY-4-LIFE" by The Midnight Rider

you would think that a tale about 2 professors helping a student cheat to graduate college would be the craziest story I know about luther, but it isn’t……soon after I wrote the preceding paragraph, luther packed his gear and moved to maryland to fulfill his rock n’ roll dreams by becoming the new bassist for the trolls (a 1970s-era doom metal band)….i honestly don’t know much about the doom metal scene, but the lead singer, bumpy, had been luther’s childhood idol---luther had their posters in his bedroom and taught himself how to play all their riffs……luther was enough of a fan that he would follow the band whenever they toured the midwest (at the expense of his cashpoint classes or whatever else he had to do)….it wasn’t long before he had ingratiated himself enough with the band to become their midwestern speed dealer (and rest assured, 1970s doom metal bands still do their fair share of speed)…..luther eventually became their traveling guitar tech and toured the usa with them over the summer…..art professor giada and I went to see them in june in moline and wound up smoking with the band backstage out of bumpy’s crack pipe----ostensibly we were smoking weed, but whatever substance (angel dust?) that was in the pipe the night before radically changed the dynamic of our buzz (and giada stayed up all night tweaking/asking me if she “would ever be normal again”)…...we smoked with the other members of the band, but the band itself was basically 56-year-old bumpy and whatever other (young) speed freak wanted to come along for the ride…..bumpy was short, but muscular and with hair-to-his-waist, dozens of tattoos, and some crazy, fucking eyes……he seemed to be a conspiracy nut, but that night he was ultimately more interested in trying to fuck giada than he was hearing about victor thorn and the lizard people…..giada and I stayed in a nice hotel whereas the band crashed on a friend-of-a-friend’s flophouse floor, but I guess that’s all relative when quality angel dust is your #1 priority……anyway, onto luther’s rock n’ roll fantasy….after the tour, luther moved into a maryland farmhouse with bumpy and his 30-year-old, swedish girlfriend (with the band planning on recording a new studio album in the spring and then touring europe in fall 2017)…..don’t ask me why, but the trolls are popular enough to play stadium gigs in the european union (except, of course, the czech republic where bumpy was busted for speed, spent 9 months in jail, and is currently banned from entering the country for the next ten years)…..i was supposed to go hiking in the blue ridge mountains with luther when I went home for christmas, but he never called……when I finally called him, luther asked if I knew any good lawyers in the dc area……it seems that bumpy ate too many mushrooms on new year’s eve and was in the process of choking his girlfriend to death when luther had to crack him over the head with a maglite flashlight to make him stop…and I realize this sounds like it’s going to be a funny story (and it is), but the really poignant part is that bumpy was luther’s childhood idol----it would be like if I grew up to be roommates with dusty rhodes and then had to hit him in the head with a flashlight to stop the american dream from trying to bite my face off…..bumpy is obviously a speed man, but some fan at their new year’s eve party gave him a bag of mushrooms which bumpy promptly ate……luther said that bumpy spend the majority of the evening propositioning every woman at the party while bumpy’s live-in, swedish girlfriend sat in the corner sulking…..eventually they went outside to argue and when bumpy returned, he was spinning in circles and talking about “demons from other dimensions”……bumpy smashed a bathroom window and then charged back outside to lay spread-eagle in the grass…..the partygoers let bumpy stew for about an hour, but it was 25 degrees and he was in his underwear, plus he was everyone-in-the-room’s meal ticket……his girlfriend went outside with a blanket with the intention of talking bumpy into coming back inside and going to bed…..there were screams and when luther walked outside, bumpy had his girlfriend on the ground choking her…..after trying to pull him off, luther eventually had to start cracking his idol over the head with the flashlight to make him release his girlfriend….bumpy took a swing at luther and then tried to “bite his face off” while both men were wrestling on the ground (luther said the main reason why bumpy didn’t draw blood was that he had “chiclet teeth” from all the years of abusing speed)…..by that time, the rest of the partygoers had come outside to watch the fight and one of troll’s roadies pulled bumpy off luther…..this pissed bumpy off even more, and he went inside, grabbed a shotgun, put the gun in the roadie’s belly, and pulled the trigger----mercifully the shotgun was unloaded, but the roadie punched bumpy in the face and called the police…..when bumpy came to, he grabbed a machete from his bedroom and began hacking away at his girlfriend’s clothes…..then he went into luther’s room and started hacking away at luther’s amps (bumpy also destroyed what he thought was luther’s laptop, but it belonged to the band)…..when the police arrived outside, bumpy ran into his bedroom and pretended to be asleep…..once the police “woke” him and his girlfriend informed bumpy that they were breaking up, he went for the machete again and the police had to throw bumpy on the living room floor/cuff him…..bumpy spent the next 4 nights in jail and a restraining order was issued for him to stay away from luther, the swedish girl, and the band’s roadie (the only one of the three to press charges against bumpy)……they all have to go to court in february, but for the time being, 23-year-old luther continues to live in bumpy’s house with bumpy’s 30-year-old, swedish girlfriend…..luther said at the end of our conversation that they were planning on going into the soap-making business and that he thought he was “falling in love with the swede”---I guess that story will have to wait for another time

The Midnight Rider prefers to remain mysterious.  You could visit his website, but he won't say where it is.  You could read his books, but he won't say what they are.  You could email him, but I'm pretty sure spam@gofuckyourself.gov is not a real email address.  In a world where everyone is repping their Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, sex tapes, line of clothing, new microbrew, and overall brand, I find that refreshing.  I am happy to have the Rider ride on drinkdrankdrunk.

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