WINESBURG: While visiting a factory that manufactures adult disposable underwear, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced today that he has come up with an even better plan to balance the budget in Ohio without raising taxes or cutting spending. As a result, he has decided to table his recent decision not to lease the Ohio turnpike, "That plan is dead. Dead, dead, dead. It was alive yesterday, but today, now that I'm away from all those Democrats in Cleveland, that plan is dead."
Kasich said he came up with a better plan when he was at lunch at Wendy's. "I looked at the dollar menu, and it hit me. We've been thinking too small; that's why it didn't work with the turnpike. We need to supersize things. Wait, is that McDonalds? I think they're the ones with the dollar menu too. Wendy's has the everyday value menu or something. Anyway, you know what I'm talking about. Bonds? Screw bonds. I had enough bonds for a lifetime when I was at Lehman Brothers. They were big into bonds and look what happened to them. Anyway, getting back to my idea. It was the thought, 'Why not lease the entire state?' I bit into a burger, and it hit me again. Why not sell the whole state?"
Kasich then claims he finished his fries, which "were delicious, by the way" and got right back to work for the state of Ohio, instructing Jobs Ohio to put the entire state up on eBay. "I'm so certain we'll get a great price that I told them to put the minimum bid at 99 cents," Kasich trumpeted.
So far, the current bid is $21.50.
Kasich doesn't seem worried. "We've got a great state. I've been on eBay. I know the price usually shoots up right at the end. I did tell them to put a reserve price on it. I mean it's a no-brainer. If this doesn't work, at the end of the day, then we can always go back to the damn bonds."
He added he also has some other backup plans. "Naming rights. It works for sports stadiums, why not for states? I think Wendy's Presents The State Of Ohio sounds pretty good, or we could just change the name of the state to Sherwin Williams or something. To be honest, I don't know why they didn't do some of this stuff fifty years ago. It's not like I'm some genius. Good grief, folks, get on the bus before it runs us over."
After the factory tour and being presented with an honorary pair of undergarments marked "The Buck Stops Here", the Governor enjoyed dinner at Bob Evans, which he said would be another good new name for the state.
Closed Circuit - DECONSTRUCTING GEORGE SAUNDERS Is the New York literary establishment out of touch with what’s happening in middle America—and in literature itself? One...
2 weeks ago