Monday, February 10, 2020

Online Dating Haiku

If you've ever had the opportunity, er, misfortune to do online dating, then you know the special circle of Hell it is.  On the bright side, it did inspire me to write some haiku over the years.  Some of them may someday appear in an anthology about dating over age 40 called Can You #!*% Believe What Happened?:  True Tales of Midlife Daters, but since I submitted the haiku back in 2015 and the last time I corresponded with the editors, I was told the project was on hiatus, I think we can safely assume that book will likely never appear.  Since the haiku were too fun to vanish into Limbo, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, here are the dating haiku:

Finding love online
Could just be a click away,
But you have to click.

Charming and handsome
Or ugly and obnoxious?
Count the likes today.

You never replied.
Months later, you're still on here.
Good luck, you need it!

Photos from high school?
That was a long time ago.
You need new photos.

Maybe I am wrong,
But profile castration jokes
Won't land you a man.

That billionaire hunk
You've been waiting for? He will
Ride a unicorn.

Ten people or more
In each photo that you post.
So, which one is you?

Thank you for the wink.
If you unhide your profile,
I will return it.

Nobody today.
Is it too late to be gay?
Hmm . . . yeah, probably.

Nobody today.
Is it too late to be straight?
Hmm . . . yeah, probably.

Uh, why did I think
This was a good idea?
Oh, yes, I was drunk.

Unhappy couples
At supermarket tonight.
Happy I'm single.

Swipe right and swipe left.
Is there anyone out there?
No, but keep swiping.

Tinder and Bumble?
When did dating start sounding
like Santa's reindeer?

I found a new date.
Hoping to God that this one
seems more or less sane.

Why the hell did you
swipe right if you were never
going to message?

Some days I just swipe
left on everyone just to
be misanthropic.

She's cute.  If only
she weren't shooting guns in each
and every photo.

A dick pic?  Really?
We can work up to that if
needed.  Just say hi.

A threesome?  Wow!  Thanks
for the invite, but, I'm sure
there's an app for that.

I admit those breasts
are great, but how about a
picture of your face?

Despite the complaints
I took my shirt off for a
pic and likes went up.

If you aren't going
to message me back, then why
did you message first?

Yes, I know, you're all
not into hookups and all
want an LTR.

The guy who hits on
a hundred women a day
is a creep with dates.

I know I said I
was into bears, but you could
at least comb your hair.

I've been ground by the
Grindr and now my steak has
turned to hamburger.

OKCupid, you
can fuck off now.  Enough with
arrows in my ass.

Plenty of fish, huh?
Not enough to find me a
date apparently.

Hot Or Not?  Judging
from the response so far, it
is looking like not.

I never thought I
would miss singles bars, but at
least there I got drunk.

When the date stamped is
2012 on your pictures,
time for new photos.

I'd guess that ranting
about how Hillary sucks
doesn't get you dates.

If you love God so
much, why don't you date Him and
stop wasting my time?

The invite to find
you on Adult Friend Finder
caused me to lose you.

You have kinks, big deal!
I have some Kinks records that
I like a bit more.

Bumble, buy a clue!
I swiped left on her sixty
times before.  Enough!

First date ended with
hug and no kiss, taking it
slow is fine with me.

Second date ended
with a kiss and that was sweet.
Delete the profile.

If there's a third date
though, you better put out or
it's back to the app.

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