drinkdrankdrunk: "FREAK SHOW" by The Midnight Rider

ok, ya ready for me to get back to real time and talk about my school?......um.....where do i begin?....my new school certainly has the potential to be the biggest freakshow that i've ever experienced (and you know that's saying something)--like the iowa catholic contingent reminds me a bit of that private school in virginia that fired me back in 1998, but i've never really experienced anything like the kalifornia connection here.....are they on crystal meth or jesus?--i don't know.....are they new age or mormon?--your guess as good as mine (and i pride myself on being able to read people).....the ceo of the company (that is my school) looks like he just stepped out of an infomercial....."ric" is young, handsome, thirtysomething with curly, brown hair and perfect teeth.....he favors $3000 suits and rolex watches and likes to walk up and down the hall talking on his headset.....he is usually accompanied by 2 yes-men/bodyguards in (what i would imagine to be) $1500 suits and faux-rolex watches.....everything ric says is positive/proactive--our school is gonna be "#1 in the midwest" and then "#1 in the united states" and finally "#1 in the world".....if you're curious: ric doesn't know my name yet and i can't say that i mind.....all the rest of them do though--like i think they get punished if they don't know every single employee's name by the end of the first week.....did i mention that ric graduated from the university of phoenix?.....did i mention that they all graduated from the university of phoenix?--actually, i take that back, some of them did their undergraduate work at cal state fullerton before going on to earn their ph.d. from the university of phoenix......you know what that is, right?--like sometimes there are pop ups on my computer that promise a "college degree in 6 months"--well, that's the university of phoenix--basically, it's like taking your classes online instead of having to drive down to the local national business college.....who knows, maybe you'll be seeing my college advertised on a matchbook sometime in the near future.....dude, my school makes kent state look like harvard.....like when i tell people here that i went to kent state, they're like:  "mannnnn, that's a good school, isn't it?"--yeah dude, if you're a drug dealer.....obviously i'm not a financial analyst, but i think the little catholic school that was here 2 years ago was about to go bankrupt--and shady state pounced on the opportunity to buy a school with real athletic teams and a real dorm--if you're curious, the girls’ soccer team only has 9 players and is destined to lose every game by playing 9-on-11.....for that matter, i get the feeling that every team here loses every game they play…..what else?.....you want the attendance figures?--well, enrollment for 2006 is sitting at roughly 30,000 (400 kids who actually live and go to school here and 26,600 online students).....what does an "online student" look like?--well, every motivational speaker that i've heard for the last 3 weeks talks about the day when "online students and their families fly in from across the country to walk across that stage to receive their diplomas," but i'm thinking they'll celebrate by buying a bag of weed......i might be wrong, but i'm thinking these "urban professionals" are really sitting at home in their sweatpants, eating ding dongs and trolling for internet porn in between "classes"......the motivational speakers also claim that "the merging of traditional colleges with online institutions is only a matter of time," but i'm hoping to be dead before that day comes.....did i mention that i signed a form that authorizes company officials to listen in on my phone calls ostensibly for "training purposes".....the company gave me a new laptop too, but i get the feeling that i'll be using it about as much as i use my office phone.....52gs is a lot of money for an idiot-savant like me though.....crowns aint cheap and their dental plan pays 80% of major procedures.....i have a 401k retirement plan as well.....and some of you cynics out there might wonder if it's all about the money.....maybe some of you are even mumbling about me selling out.....well, you just read the introduction--do you see any change?.....for that matter, i'm still looking up 18-year-old girls' skirts although i may have to trade ohio quantity for iowa quality......to tell ya the truth, i like it better than kent state.....the people are cleaner/nicer and the babyjesus has seen fit to finally give me another chance......i hadn't been happy in kent for a long time---like i'd save up the party stories for you, but most days, i'd just be sitting in my hotel room rubbing one out to internet porn as the world passed me by......my new school is most definitely a freakshow, but sometimes circus folk need to count their blessings too

The Midnight Rider prefers to remain mysterious.  You could visit his website, but he won't say where it is.  You could read his books, but he won't say what they are.  You could email him, but I'm pretty sure spam@gofuckyourself.gov is not a real email address.  In a world where everyone is repping their Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, sex tapes, line of clothing, new microbrew, virtue signals, and overall brand, I find that refreshing.  I am happy to have The Rider ride on drinkdrankdrunk.