Monday, January 10, 2022

Tales From The Virus Panic #4: "Correlation Does Not Imply Causation"

Jessica's husband was nagging her to get her virus booster shot.  He had gotten his yesterday.  He felt great he said.

A prominent local doctor had died suddenly after reportedly getting his booster.  When Jessica told her husband this, he said it was a coincidence and that correlation does not imply causation.

The local hospitals joined together ran a television commercial with the sound effect of a patient on a ventilator urging people to get vaccinated and boosted.  Jessica saw it several times while watching her favorite police show.

When the news came on after the cop show, the cheerful announcer announced that a famous comedian had died unexpectedly.  Jessica looked it up online and saw that the comedian had recently gotten his booster shot.  Jessica heard a voice in her head say, "Correlation does not imply causation."  

A famous politician tested positive for the virus despite being vaccinated and boosted.  Her spokesperson said the politician was thankful for the vaccine that was safe and effective and urged all Americans to get vaccinated and boosted.

On Facebook, a post from an antivax cousin noted that a 13-year-old boy had died from a heart attack after getting a booster shot.  Another cousin replied that "Correlation does not imply causation."

Jessica didn't feel so great after she had gotten her second shot.  She wasn't looking forward to getting another.  Plus it had seemed like she had just gotten it.  She didn't need a tetanus booster for a decade.  She wondered why she needed this booster so soon.

Her soccer-playing teenage son liked to watch British soccer.  During a game, one player collapsed and was taken from the field.  It turned out he had had a heart attack.  When Jessica asked if the soccer league required vaccinations, her son just mumbled, "I don't know, but even so correlation does not imply causation."

Jessica did some Googling and discovered that the mRNA vaccines were originally developed to treat cancer but repeated doses proved to be too toxic so they were redeveloped as vaccines because those only required one or two doses.  Now people were supposed to get boosted every 5 months.

Some researcher who helped to develop the mRNA technology said the vaccines weren't safe and got banned from Twitter.  Bluechecks said the stuff he was saying was full of logical fallacies of the post hoc nature.  They noted that "correlation does not imply causation."

Her teenage daughter liked to post on Reddit.  She sometimes showed Jessica what she was reading (but never what she was posting).  She laughed at some man who hadn't wanted to get the booster because he said the vaccine didn't work.  Then he had caught the virus, developed acute respiratory distress syndrome, and died.  He had earned a Herman Cain Award.  Jessica told her daughter that it wasn't nice to laugh at the misfortunes of others, and her daughter said she wasn't laughing at his misfortune.  Just his stupidity.

One of her friends who had refused to get vaccinated emailed her an article about a life insurance company in Indiana noting that deaths had risen 40% among those aged 18-64 in the last year.  It wasn't entirely clear from the article what the cause was, but Jessica's friend said it was because of adverse reactions to the vaccine wherein the body started attacking itself.  But Jessica remembered her husband saying "correlation does not imply causation."

Jessica got an email that she had a new message in her medical chart from the hospital system.  When she logged in, she was annoyed that it was just a reminder to schedule her booster shot.

On Instagram, friends posted about getting their booster shots.  One of them never posted again.  At 46, he died of a heart attack.  Someone suggested the booster shot had something to do with it, and another wrote, "Bullshit!  Correlation does not imply causation!"

Jessica and her family were invited to her niece's wedding in the spring.  A small asterisk at the bottom of the invitation asked that no children younger than 5 be brought to the wedding and reception and that all guests be fully up to date on their virus vaccinations including the latest booster.

Her husband kept nagging her about getting her booster.  She wondered if she punched him in the face and broke his jaw, would he still say "correlation does not imply causation" when she denied that her punch had broken his jaw?

At work, the CEO sent over a memo stating that regardless or not of whether the federal government's vaccine mandate was swatted down by the Supreme Court, the company would require all employees to be boosted by the end of the month (the company had already previously demanded that all employees be vaccinated or face termination).  All employees not boosted would be terminated.  The company also sent along a form that employees were required to sign waiving the company of all responsibility for any adverse effects from the booster.

Two days later, her manager in a team meeting announced that one of the team had died unexpectedly.  When someone asked if she had gotten her booster before the sudden death, the manager said he couldn't share that information, but, in any case, "correlation does not imply causation."

Jessica's husband started sleeping in the guestroom because he had read a news article that unboosted Americans represented a threat to boosted Americans and the virus cases in their area was skyrocketing.  He asked Jessica to consider wearing a facemask in the house until she got boosted.  One morning, he wasn't up when she went to work.  When she came home, the guestroom door was still closed.  When she asked the kids if they had seen their father, they shrugged and went back to the video game they were playing.  Her husband was still in bed when Jessica went into the guestroom.  He had died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Jessica thought "Correlation does not imply causation," and then she thought, "I'm not getting fucking boosted."

This is a work of fiction, but it's based on real incidents.  "[D]ied suddenly", "died unexpectedly", "passed away suddenly", and so on have become regarded in some circles as code for dying from vaccine side-effects (though some will argue it also applies to deaths from overdoses and other causes).  Since most of the deaths ultimately involve some mention of a heart attack and myocarditis has been noted even by the CDC as a side-effect of the vaccine, it's not hard to posit a connection between vaccine and death, though mRNA vaccine proponents continue to insist even in the face of contradicting evidence that there is no such connection.  It took over five years of people dying from Vioxx for the FDA to pull it from the market, and this time a lot more people will have proverbial egg on their faces if these vaccines are indeed not safe, so the connection may never be admitted for the mRNA virus vaccines.  Here are some links for source material: 

And if you still want to read anything else after you checked out those links, then read Edna's Employment Agency, where the idiots are fictional and amusing and not in charge of governments and corporations like in real life.

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