Friday, March 11, 2016

Trump Settles On Secretary Of Defense Early

DENVER: Surprising many pundits, who expected presidential candidate Donald Trump to select his running mate on the Republican Party ticket before he selected any members of his cabinet, Trump picked his Secretary of Defense. Many commentators found this odd, given that Trump has not been elected President of the United States yet, criticism to which Trump responded later with a tweet calling the actual election a "technicality".  Responding to further criticism that the Senate would never confirm Trump's selection, he also later tweeted that he didn't care if the Senate agreed since "letting idiots like Ted Cruz secondgeuss [sic] me is idiotic".

At the announcement press conference, Trump introduced professional wrestler Bobby Lashley, bellowing, "Folks, he did a great job defending my hair when I needed him. I'm sure he'll do a great job defending the country."  Lashley, who was Trump's representative in a hair vs. hair match at WrestleMania in 2007 when he defeated Trump's rival Vince McMahon's representative which resulted in McMahon's hair getting shaved off, bounded onto the stage and flexed his muscles at the crowd. Taking the microphone from Trump, Lashley delivered a blistering promo in which he told North Korea that he would make the entire country tap out and submit until they accept capitalism and democracy.  Lashley also dared terrorists to attack the United States, saying that after he defeated their plots he would then personally shave off their beards.

During the speech, Trump nodded approvingly, occasionally pumping his fist in the air to punctuate Lashley's boasts. Asked by a reporter after Lashley had given the microphone back to Trump if this premature selection of the Defense Secretary was merely a cheap attempt to cut into the traditional African-American vote for the Democratic Party, given that Lashley is African-American, Trump responded by ordering Lashley to put the reporter into The Dominator, Lashley's traditional finishing move. Lashley obliged, lifting the reporter onto Lashley's shoulders before slamming him onto the ground.

There were no other questions.

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