Sunday, August 21, 2022

drinkdrankdrunk: "Service To The School" by The Midnight Rider

i’m going to my curriculum vitae for the next entry, and i fear it won’t be nearly as exciting as my road trip to illinois with the women of color . . . i believe i already described the inner workings of the shady state finish strong committee in an earlier paragraph--the committee was comprised of faculty/staff/students and was designed to raise campus morale after the announcement that the school would be closing . . . the chair of the committee was the chief human resources douche, and the lesbian nun was always arguing that we needed to better control the flow of free whipped cream to the students on national donut day . . . i spent the majority of my time hitting on the 21-year-old, virginal soccer goalie, but the other buffers managed to cockblock me at every turn . . . i only have one story from my time on the institutional effectiveness committee, but it’s a good one . . . what was the committee’s function?--i really don’t know . . . the committee itself was formed during a time when shady state was in the process of switching regional accreditors and every faculty member was obliged to be on as many committees as possible . . . i volunteered for this particular committee because a wise man told me that we wouldn’t do anything (and he was correct) . . . the committee was comprised of five online instructors from across the united states and me . . . i did, however, know the chair because she had worked her way up the ladder from local peon to vice president of marketing . . . how does a 23-year-old, business school graduate from western illinois become vice president of a major company in less than 3 years?--she wore a miniskirt to every meeting and encouraged the men in the audience to look for the wet spot . . . i don’t mean to imply that josey wasn’t a kool chick because she was--she could drink like a fish, and i smoked doobies with her on several occasions . . . she was hot-as-hell, and she used it to her advantage, and i spent the majority of my time at the meetings fantasizing about what she was wearing in kalifornia . . . did i mention that everyone else on the committee was female and that i usually called in from under the covers of my bed at home?--yeah, dude, i think you know where this is going . . . anyway, what was this committee’s function?--i think we were supposed to proofread reports from other committees and then make comments . . . i never proofread anything and hardly ever spoke other than to announce at the beginning of every meeting that it was “cold in iowa, and i wished i were in kalifornia” . . . at one particular meeting, some old crone had been rambling on for 7-8 minutes and stopped to ask josey a question--and there was no reply for over a minute and the old crone kept repeating: “josey? . . . josey? . . . are you there, josey?” . . . finally, after another 3-4 minutes, josey got on the line and apologized to the group for “having to go to the bathroom”--and i was immediately rock hard picturing josey with her panties around her ankles sitting on the toilet in kalifornia . . . i covered the speaker of the phone and just spunked all over myself as the other ladies on the committee giggled about josey having been in the bathroom . . . MY SPOO SHOT UP 10-12 INCHES INTO THE AIR AND TO THIS DAY, IT WAS THE MOST PRODUCTIVE THAT I’VE EVER BEEN AT A MEETING . . . i fear my other committee work is gonna be anti-climactic compared to what i accomplished during my time on the institutional effectiveness committee, but i might as well give you a rundown of the rest:  my experience with the communication committee was horrible, albeit boring . . . once again i was on a committee with 5 female, online instructors that i had never met . . . this time, however, i was already a lame duck (shady state had announced the campus closure in june, and my term began in july), and i was even more proud to do absolutely nothing . . . the committee’s main function was to write a corporate newsletter which almost always explained the function of the faculty senate . . . the nasty hags on the committee all still had their jobs and therefore did battle every month for who got the credit for doing the fluff piece on the asshole-of-the-month senator . . . they never asked me to do anything, but that didn’t stop some nasty/old cunt from oklahoma sarcastically exclaiming “way to be proactive” or “good job” at me every so often . . . my term expired early (when i lost my job in june 2016), and the fucking cunts sent out a corporate e-mail thanking me for my “exceptional service to the shady state community”--yeah, dude, and they say i’m the dumbass . . . i was on three english search committees . . . on the first, we hired this smoking-hot mfa from michigan who turned out to be batshit crazy . . . she would storm out of meetings, have screaming matches with the vice president, and quit in the middle of the semester right after signing her contract for the following year--more on her later . . . the second search committee wasn’t really a competition because we pushed through swede hansen’s ringer after the hot chick quit in may--we still got paid though . . . adrian adonis (the pretty boy who fucked his student) was the third new hire of my tenure . . . he wasn’t our first choice because at the end of his interview, he asked if he could “take students to the movies”, and dean hansen didn’t like that . . . i personally voted for another hot chick, but she was smart enough to decline our offer whereas adrian adonis immediately accepted . . . the handbook revision committee only met one time, but it was a nice resume-filler . . . at the time, swede hansen was the dean’s assistant and helped review the liberal arts faculty’s yearly assessments . . . the swede went over my responses and informed me that i wasn’t on the handbook revision committee--i reminded him that the committee only met once and that we sat across the table from each other, but he still didn’t believe me (and that was the moment when i came to realize that the swede was a piece-of-shit) . . . lawyers, police officers, and professional people from all over the community came to shady state in the winter of 2008 hoping to become adjunct faculty members . . . business was booming, and they all obviously wanted a piece of the corporate pie/payout . . . as part of the adjunct faculty interview committee, i would come in on the weekends and ask predetermined interview questions and then report back with my findings . . . when i told my dad what my duties entailed, he thought i was bullshitting him . . . i directed a play at the local middle school in spring 2009 as part of the shady state afterschool program--and while that might sound like fun, little kids don’t respect/listen to me at all (nor do i want them to) . . . the kids were always wild, and some housefrau was always in the corner watching everything i said/did . . . the play sucked too--it was a total failure, but i still got a plaque from the local chamber of commerce for community participation . . . the last item on my vita says that i was an “organizer/sponsor of the shady state computers-for-kids program” in the fall of 2006 (back-in-the-day before every employee fart was documented for assessment) . . . and while there certainly was a computers-for-kids program, it was part of my friend nootie’s job responsibilities at a school district in virginia . . . sometimes when i call him at work, i’ll tell his secretary that i’m “chris from the iowa computers-for-kids program”

The Midnight Rider prefers to remain mysterious.  You could visit his website, but he won't say where it is.  You could read his books, but he won't say what they are.  You could email him, but I'm pretty sure is not a real email address.  In a world where everyone is repping their Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, sex tapes, line of clothing, new microbrew, virus panic vaccine status, and overall brand, I find that refreshing.  I am happy to have The Rider ride on drinkdrankdrunk.

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