Tuesday, October 2, 2018

"Martha Stewart's Guide To The Nuclear Apocalypse"

I’m having so much fun these days, but I know the news can turn grim, so I want to show you that no matter how bad it can get, you can still have a stunning home. That should ease some of your minds. With the wonderful products from my growing collections, even a fallout shelter can be pretty. I will demonstrate how each one works, and how it can make your day-to-day lives easier even when it is time to duck and cover from an impending nuclear attack.

This week, I spent an entire day in an undisclosed friend's private fallout shelter. I can't tell you whom he is, but you do see him on tv a lot these days, which reminds me that I will showcasing my new nuclear war collection on QVC this Wednesday. Our series of segments begins at two minutes to midnight and continues throughout the day, just like a missile barrage, until my last appearance at 11pm ET. or the American communications system is disrupted by an electromagnetic pulse. I can tell you if that happens, then I plan on being well-stocked up with my latest book, “Martha’s Flowers, A Practical Guide to Growing, Gathering and Enjoying”, so I, the hosts, crew, and studio audience won't be bored and will be ready to go when nuclear winter turns to nuclear spring. I can't wait to see what the radioactivity does to mutate my garden! I also plan on sharing more items from my apparel line--gasmasks, long sleeved shirts to guard against fallout on the skin, and my cheeky glow-in-the-dark t-shirts with inspirational slogans such as "Make America Glow Again!" on them. I am perhaps most proud of the stylish sneakers that anchor the line. With these on, you will easily be able to sprint to the nearest building and take shelter inside to wait out the fallout.

And that's a great place to start, with my Martha Stewart Fallout Shelter doors. I love them! An attractive yellow and black design modeled on the iconic Department of Defense fallout shelter, these inch thick doors should guard not only against the initial shock wave of the detonation, but also efforts by desperate neighbors to pry their way inside. They won't be able to hear you through the doors, but if they could, you could tell them the coupon code for a 10% discount on MarthaStewart.Com, so they will be better prepared the next time the bomb brings the neighborhood together.

Meanwhile, inside the shelter, you will be having a delightful time, with my Martha Stewart Emergency Generator, because you won't be able to count on the electrical grid and other utilities not being disrupted by the intense firestorms that will break out after the initial bomb blast. My solar panels will soak up any sunlight that gets through the atmosphere of dirt, ash, and dust created by the explosion and subsequent fires. And, when it is safe to go back outside, you can clean your house with my Martha Stewart Pressure Washer. An intense jet, paired with the detergent used in the on-board tank, blasts away grime to help preserve all that you want to clean. You'll feel as if you are nuking the dirt away yourself!

Of course, before that, you'll be inside for a long time waiting out the fallout, and you will inevitably get the munchies after the initial adrenaline-filled terror subsides, so I have brought out my new canned food line. Based on the military's MRES, which stands for Meal Ready-To-Eat, mine are MRS, which stands for Martha's Ready-To-Snack. They are guaranteed to last at least a decade, so you can stock up ahead of time in case nuclear winter kills all the vegetation in your garden and no fresh food is available for years. While you are waiting for the plants to grow again, assuming you don't perish of radiation poisoning in the meantime, you can utilize my new book, a wonderful resource for learning how and when to plant, nurture, and, at the perfect time, cut from the garden. I also shouldn't forget to mention the Martha Stewart Electric 2-in-1 Edger and Trencher tools. Not only does it create a clean line along flower beds, walkways, and borders, and cut a crisp trench with a three-position depth adjustment, but you can also use it as a weapon to defend against any looters, invading armies, or radioactive mutants who might attack you once you leave the fallout shelter.

And it comes in the same great colors as all the gardening products in my collection: black, slate, and a pretty mint color!

I hope you never have to experience a nuclear attack, but if you do, then these great products from the Martha Stewart collection will make it more bearable. And, best of all, I just signed a deal to manufacture and sell these items in North Korea, so, if my influence grows there, then, someday, even the missiles bearing the nuclear warheads might be more stylish!

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