Tuesday, January 1, 2013

"Hokie Low" by The Artist Formerly Known As Crazycarl

let me preface what I’m about to say with 2 disclosures: 1) i have a good job now and don’t have the freedom to write the way I did back in 2002 and 2) on my worst day, I wouldn’t claim to be a republican or a democrat……more on the latter: I am against all forms of violence……I don’t respect you if you kill your baby (which makes me a republican), if you go to someone else’s country to kill them because you don’t have the skills to get a regular civilian job (which makes me a democrat) or if you need to prove your masculinity by shooting little animals (again, democrat)……and if these views make me seem more like a democrat to you, let me try to balance the scales by reflecting on my appalachian heritage…….why do poor hillbillies consistently vote republican?----npr would condescend that we’re ignorant, but the truth is that republicans want to steal our money whereas democrats want to pat themselves on the back for explaining it to us…..i don’t know about you, but I have more respect for the person who wants to steal my money than I do for the one who condescends……anyway, that’s 2-2 and my political leanings aren’t the subject of this piece anyway…….i want to talk about gun control and I don’t need to quote bill o’reilly or superimpose charlton heston’s face on a goat on my facebook page to make my point----it’s just common sense……I’m visiting my parents in virginia for the holidays and I’m fortunate enough to be able to walk a trail from their house down to the local river (the trail is part of my high school’s property)……..anyway, it’s hunting season and during my walk last tuesday, I had a creepy feeling that I was being watched…..a few minutes later, the faculty advisor for the school skeet club rolled up in his $4000 golf cart and “warned me” to stay off the hiking trail because hunting season was in full effect and I might get shot……my mom still works at my high school and even though I wanted to tell him that he “could fill his quota in 15 seconds at the local elementary school,” I was obliged to be polite/philosophical and say something along the lines of “you gotta be free”…….and as I walked back home that day, I started thinking about the shootings in connecticut----like what kind of person walks into an elementary school and shoots twenty first graders v. what kind of person’s life revolves around killing an animal for fun…….i promise you I hate the government as much as you do (they burned my great aunt’s house down in 1933 to give flatlanders jobs and a national park), but no one is free in 2012 anyway……we no longer need to defend ourselves against foreign invaders or our own government-----there’s a camera at every intersection and each and every one of us is already chained to the tracking number on our walmart charge card…..you’re not free and i’m not free and none of us will ever be free again…..with that being said, it’s time to stop the killing……I know y’all are “smart” and have read many magazine articles, but this isn’t about sitting on a porch in kentucky sipping mint julips and discussing politics/bragging about what you’ve read……it’s about common sense>political lines……it’s about 20 dead children> the obama/romney sign in your yard……you say that there are millions of guns in america?----I say: STOP PRODUCING THE BULLETS……you say the bad guys will import the bullets from overseas?----I say: DON’T LET THEM MAKE BULLETS EITHER (they’re on camera, plus our missiles are bigger)……you say you don’t trust the police?----TAKE THEIR BULLETS AWAY TOO----it’ll be just like “reno 911,” but without the bullets…..it may take awhile and there might be more short-term violence, but if you take away all the bullets, I think it might work….it’s fucking 2012, ya know?.....one last thing: if you think there’s a potential school shooter in your class, you should facebook “like” every picture he posts of his cat sleeping and what he had for lunch
TAFKAC graduated from Virginia Tech and wishes you a Happy New Year.  If you want more, head on over to the local bookstore and pick up Bloodreal.

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