Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Tyrant Next Door

The tyrant next door doesn't like you planting vegetables in your front yard, so city council passes a law and now you will pay through your taxes for men to come and fine you if you grow vegetables in your front yard.

The tyrant next door doesn't like it when you hold a garage sale, so city council passes a law and now you can only hold one garage sale a year, you can't hang a sign for it, and you have to pay money to the city so you can hold a garage sale, which doesn't make any sense since the reason you're holding a garage sale in the first place is because you need money, but it does make sense from the tyrant's point of view since the tyrant doesn't really want you to hold a garage sale.

In fact, the tyrant next door doesn't like how your garage looks. That door could use a little paint. So city council passes a law and now you will pay through your taxes for men to come and nag you to paint your garage. Don't shirk on your responsibilities! When you offer to just tear down the garage, they say no. The tyrant doesn't care if you don't even have a car. You must have a garage if you want to live in this city, buddy! Trim those bushes as well! Keep those property values up for the tyrant!

The tyrant next door has a few kids. Kids are expensive. So city council passes a law that you have to pay through your taxes for people to teach the tyrant's kids even if you don't have any kids yourself.

The tyrant next door really likes sports. Sports are expensive. So city council passes a law that you have to pay through your taxes for a new stadium that you will never visit, but that the tyrant will really enjoy. Go team! Subsidize spoiled millionaires playing children's games to please billionaires who don't know what else to do with their money (might I suggest giving it to the poor?).

The tyrant next door really likes art. (Except when you put some in your yard, then the tyrant complains.) The art the tyrant likes is expensive. So city council passes a law that you have to pay through your taxes for arts grants since you need to be cultured. Did you know that the tyrant's daughter is an artist and no one will otherwise buy the shit she calls art? Now you do!

The tyrant next door likes to call the cops on you just for fun. It's always a good time, especially to watch from the tyrant's window when the policecars pull up. However, the officers always look slightly disappointed when they don't find any heroin or domestic disturbance or whatever shit the tyrant made up to get them there.

The tyrant next door is friendly when you meet. Would be shocked to be thought of as a tyrant since the tyrant only wants what's best for the community. Hey, the tyrant pays taxes too. The tyrant can't grow vegetables in the front yard either. Isn't that fair? Hey, who are you to interfere with the tyrant's right to petition the government so the tyrant can tell you what to do? This is a democracy after all! How dare you? You must be a tyrant too! This is the United States of America! Don't you know this is the land of the free? We kicked the tyrant out of here a couple of centuries ago in our revolution.

We didn't want no tyranny no more, no sir!

That must be why now in every village, town, and city, the tyrant just has to settle for living next door.

19 November 2013

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