Thursday, December 13, 2012

Air Conditioning Is The Enemy

In yet another attempt to rid his city of fat people, Mayor Bloomberg of New York City announced today at a press conference that he was banning air conditioning from the city next summer.  "It's been a few months now since we banned Big Gulps, and I still saw a fat person on the subway this morning.  Clearly, we need to supersize our efforts in the war on the obese, I mean, obesity," the mayor said at a hastily arranged press conference.

Interrupted by an aide who pointed out that the new ban on large soft drinks doesn't take effect until March and even then won't affect Big Gulps, the mayor dismissed the aide, saying, "My term's ending next year; I need to speed things up."

When a reporter asked why the mayor decided to ban air conditioning, the mayor said that his decision was based on extensive research, which under aggressive questioning was revealed to have been a Google search earlier that afternoon.  "It just makes sense," the mayor says, "Think about it.  Without air conditioning, people sweat.  They'll lose a lot of water weight."

When asked if this would be his final battle in the war on obesity, the mayor replied that if he saw a fat person on the subway the following week he might ban heat and elevators as well.  Then, he joked about a fourth term, stripped down to his underwear, and said, "Look at that BMI!  Not bad for 70, huh, tubbies?"

At that point, the mayor was led away by aides, and the press conference ended.

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