Xerography Debt Column

I have a column in the new Xerography Debt (#26). It's a republication of the "What Was the First Zine?" essay, which was originally published in an issue of .zap!!, the old school zine APA I'm involved in. If you want to keep up with zines more recent than the ones I discuss in the column, then please check out Xerography Debt, which is full of zine news and reviews!

Blog Love Omega Glee: Evil Journalista Reports Live From The Convention Floor (27 August 2012)

Conventioned out from last week's Democratic National Convention in town, Francine has little interest in blogging about the Republican National Convention, which started today in Salt Lake City, but she is delighted to receive a surprise phone call from Evil Journalista on the convention floor.

"Francine, this is Evil Journalista. I'm neckdeep in a war profiteer tea party here in Salt Lake, and I refuse to drink the Kool-Aid, er, tea. Pardon the mixed metaphors, but, just to cope with this madhouse, I took some prescription drugs that weren't prescribed to me."

"Wow! You sound a lot younger than I imagined. Forgive me, but I always thought you were male too."

"That's the voice modification app I'm running on my phone. Can't be too careful these days. I'm guessing that any spy listening in won't be too interested in what a five-year-old girl has to say. Anyway, this convention is a nightmare. I've never been bored and terrified at the same time, but somehow between the Republicans and the Mormons, this speedball of emotion has happened to me. Be glad that you're not here. There was a brief hint of excitement earlier, when some delegates talked of mutiny and tossing Dick off the ticket, but they all seemed to come down with a bad case of sniffles since then so that talk has pretty much vanished."

"He is pretty far down in the polls, isn't he? Even announcing Poorpeople as his running mate last week only gave him a brief tick upwards. I'd say that I can't see how he can win, except I know that the electronic voting machines probably have already tallied the results for a Dick landslide on Election Day. But, in reality, he's what, fourth?"

"Right, he's behind Polipo, O'Couscous, and Freedom Lovemoney, the Libertarian candidate, but Dick's really third because Lovemoney has already agreed to drop out of the race and throw support to Dick. Dick wants to make it look like he at least has a statistical chance of winning, so he'll have a plausible reason to cite for his come from behind victory. It's pretty much a done deal, but Lovemoney's just waiting for his popularity to crest. They're supposedly offering him a dollar a projected vote, and he's holding out in the best free market way until he's sure to make more from dropping out than he would from being president for four years."

"So much for ideals, huh?"

"Ideals don't pay the rent, but dollars do, Lovemoney would probably say, but in any case, they're keeping the whole deal hush-hush. Lovemoney'll just have a family crisis in a couple of weeks and drop out for personal reasons. Another oddity about this convention is that I've noticed that there are not that many whores in this town, especially considering its size, so I think the Republicans will have to fly in some of their own in order to keep all the delegates happy. What's it come to in America when prostitutes are in short supply? I'm going to dig into that story personally. Everything else here is pretty much stage-managed and public-relationed as you'd expect. I'm thinking of running around and turning all the microwaves in the building on when Dick talks just to see if that has any effect on his soft drink vending machine body. Plus I'll need the excitement by that point."

"Turning on microwaves is exciting?"

"You aren't in Salt Lake City during the Republican National Convention, Francine. You wouldn't understand my desperation for entertainment. Well, I've got to go. The former governor of Alaska is about to give a speech, and I want to count the number of words she uses that have multiple syllables. Bye, Francine."

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.

Blog Love Omega Glee: A Coffeehouse Conversation About The Global Warming Conspiracy To Sell More Air Conditioners (26 August 2012)

"I don't know how you manage to live with them and maintain your sanity," Winifred says, as she and Jake enter Caffeine Eden, adding, "Well, what little sanity you have in light of your professional wrestling obsession."

"I know, I know. Our parents get crazier every week," Jake says, eying the daily special board, "You're buying, right?"

"I'm buying?"

"Yeah."

"Why am I buying? Why aren't we going Dutch? Why are the Dutch so damn cheap anyway that they never buy anyone a drink?"

"I don't know, but you're the one who had to get out of the house," Jake says, deciding on some java from Java, "I've gotten used to Dad walking around naked on hot days in order to save money by not turning on the air conditioning. He's been very irate over the high price of electricity lately."

"All right, I'll buy. I may be on vacation, but at least I still have a job, unlike a certain individual I could name."

"Hush. I'll take a Java Java. Oh, no!" Jake says, spotting Tom and Larry at a corner table waving at him.

"What's the matter?" Winifred says, "Why are those two old men waving at you?"

"Just get the coffee to go," Jake says, and heads over to Tom and Larry's table.

"Hi, guys!" Jake says.

"Hi, James! How are you?" Tom says, "Do you like my mustache? I'm growing one because I've decided to start dating again."

Larry says, "Joe doesn't want to hear about your grannie porn adventures. Not when he's with a cutie like that. What happened to your old girlfriend?"

"Uh, that's my sister," Jake says, "I kind of broke up with my girlfriend."

"So you're dating your sister now?" Tom says, with the glaze of a glazed donut sliding across his gray eyes.

"No, we just came to get out of the house because my dad refuses to put on the air conditioning."

"Good for him! I'm glad someone is standing up to the global warming cabal!" Larry says, taking a sip of coffee, "All that hullabaloo about the planet getting warmer is just a scheme to sell more air conditioning."

"Uh, yeah. Anyway, I think we're going to the park to catch some breezes off the lake, so I'll see you guys later," Jake says, stepping away.

Larry catches his arm, "Wait! I wanted to ask you something. Did you ever notice that whenever the government needs justification to keep the overseas wars going that we coincidentally have another terrorist attack?"

"Uh, no," Jake says.

"Connect the dots, Jamie," Tom says, and taps his noggin with his right index finger, "They know people won't keep coughing up taxes for that bullshit unless they scare 'em silly. So they find some dumb patsy to blow himself up once in a while."

"What we're saying, Jerry, is don't let anyone convince you to stuff explosives up your anus and then fly coach. They don't have your best interests at heart," Larry says.

"Plus, if you fart, then you could blow yourself up," Tom says, "And then you wouldn't see how great my mustache will be when it's fully grown."

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.