Blog Love Omega Glee: Stop Discriminating Against Corporate Citizens! (19 November 2012)

Francine reads the online news in disbelief. In Dick's latest desperation maneuver, a phrase Francine has picked up from watching professional wrestling with Jake, he and his campaign have gotten the Supreme Court, most of whom Dick appointed after their predecessors retired suddenly or died in mysterious circumstances, to hear a case arguing that the recent election deprived certain citizens of their civil rights by not permitting them to vote. Dick's campaign is seeking an injunction against the current election recounts, and ultimately wants a new election to be held by the end of the year in which those citizens can vote.

The citizens in question are corporations.

Dick's lawyers claim that there's nothing in the Constitution that requires citizens to be human beings, and that since legal corporations have many of the same legal rights and responsibilities as human beings anyway, it's time that they also have the right to vote and the right to run for political office. As Dick's head lawyer, Buck Anythingfora, a Texan with the charisma of a piece of pondscum and a toupee that resembles a vomited upon Chia Pet, says, "The Constitution says, and I quote, 'We the people of the United States.' It doesn't say, 'We the human beings of the United States.' Corporations are people. They're just not flesh and blood people. They're more like paper and ink people. But they're people. And people shouldn't be discriminated against and have their civil rights deprived. Corporate Americans are affected by the decisions of the government just like flesh and blood people are. They pay taxes. They should have a say in who runs the government. This is a clear case of taxation without representation. I will point out to you today that not a single corporate American has been allowed to hold political office in our history. And that is wrong. Corporate Americans should be allowed to vote and hold office. My client believes that if corporate Americans had been allowed to vote then this recent presidential election would not still be at a stalemate. There would have been a clear winner and that winner would have been my client. Therefore, we are seeking an injunction against the current election recounts, and demanding an appropriate legal remedy to rectify this past discrimination against corporate Americans, and that remedy is to rehold the election and allow find upstanding Americans such as British Petroleum, Exxon Mobil, Wal-Mart, Chevron, General Electric, and Bank Of America to vote and hold office. Why should they be denied the opportunity to serve their country? I mean look at that last one. Bank Of America! How many flesh and blood Americans are so patriotic they have America in their very name? And we don't allow Bank of America to vote! It is not often that I am ashamed to be an American. But I am ashamed to be American when we don't allow a fine patriotic corporate American such as Bank Of America to vote for the candidate of its choice. Furthermore, I think Wal-Mart would make an excellent senator if given the opportunity. Americans love Wal-Mart. Imagine how many voters in Arkansas would be thrilled to send Wal-Mart to represent them in the United States Congress? I tingle thinking about it. We are hopeful that the Supreme Court will do justice and right this shameful tradition we have of not allowing corporate Americans their civil rights. You may say that it's a tradition in this country not to let corporations vote. Well, once upon a time, slavery was a tradition in this country, but we woke up to realize it was evil and we changed things. We should do the same for this lousy tradition of treating corporate Americans as second class citizens. In addition, this will remedy the wrong done to my client by not allowing his biggest supporters to vote for him. Instead they've been forced to limit their participation in our democracy just to donating him millions of dollars, pressuring their workers and customers to vote for him, setting up shadowy frontgroups that appear independent to run ads bashing his opponents, and to sit on their hands, if they had hands, which they don't because they're corporations, come Election Day while all these flesh and blood Americans, many of whom have done very little for the country compared to the achievements of corporate Americans, get to have their say with the ballot. I should point out that those same ballots are made by some fine corporation. But that corporation doesn't get to use the same ballot it manufactures. It almost makes me want to cry. Well, it's time to let corporate Americans have a say too. That's freedom. Freedom of speech. And that's in the Constitution too. God bless America! Thank you!"

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel.