Louis Carson Fir sticks his left arm into Food Wigwam's automated blood pressure machine, located in a quiet nook by the pharmacy section, and takes a deep breath. His eyes glaze over the stack of pharmaceutical advertisements on the wall next to him, and he punches the red start button with his fist. As the machine starts to squeeze his arm in a viselike fashion, Senator Rob Poorpeople ambles over after helping one potential voter pick out a package of crackers. Fir sticks his right hand in front of Poorpeople's face. Poorpeople smacks his hand away. The blood pressure machine's "Testing In Progress. Please Do Not Move" sign lights up. "I'm not talking to your damn hand, Fir. You've been avoiding me for days, and you know why."
Fir keeps looking straight ahead at the machine's display screen, which will shortly display his systolic pressure, diastolic pressure, and pulse rate. "I'm sorry, Robert. But I'm a bit busy doing a quick check to see how soon my heart will explode."
Poorpeople leans in over Fir, and the smell of his sickening sweet cologne mixed with his man of the people babykissing handshaking man of the people sweaty underarm stench wafts over Fir's nostrils giving Fir one more reason to hate him, "You know it's time for a Hail Mary pass. We're doomed otherwise. You may think that you can be president by pretending that Dick's still alive, but how long can you keep that up, Fir? Look at you, you're a wreck. How long until Polipo's people or the press figure out you're broadcasting what that overgrown toaster says? And even if you can fool them, how the hell can we win this election? The whole country is united in one thing and one thing only: They fucking hate Dick."
The "Testing In Progress. Please Do Not Move" sign lights up again. "Could you not lean on the machine at least? You're slowing down the test," Fir says, finally turning to face Poorpeople.
Poorpeople shoves the side of the machine, "Hell, I want to keep you trapped in the machine, Fir. At least until I've said my piece. Look at us, we're reduced to a campaign appearance in a fucking supermarket, like some soap opera actor or offensive lineman on the local pro football team. Meanwhile O'Couscous and Polipo are starting to pack arenas and stadiums. It doesn't matter how many gallons of milk that fucking walking tank you pretend is president buys. It's never going to be an everyman shopping in the supermarket, just one of us regular folks. It's a machine. Even if people think Dick is still in there, they're still frightened of it. No one cares that it knows the price of milk. That shopping cart over there is more human than it is, or even Dick was. We need to kill Dick off. It's the only way. Maybe then we can get the sympathy vote. I've talked to Clinton's people. She's willing to serve as VP again. She's still pissed at Polipo. She'll throw in with us and we'll continue the national unity government with me as top of the ticket. We'll make up a myth about our dear, departed Dick and what a great president he was. Maybe some suckers will fall for it. Enough anyway that we can milk it to victory."
Poorpeople keeps shaking the blood pressure machine by leaning on it and over Fir, so Fir hits the cancel button and, when the machine releases its grip, pulls his arm free. He rubs his arm. "Yes, you might be right, Robert. It's time for something drastic."
"I'll make you my Chief Of Staff," Poorpeople says, leaning back and putting on his farmfreshest fake smile, "Remember we started this thing together long before Dick. Let's finish it without him. This is our chance."
Fir sticks his arm back in the machine, "Agreed. Now let me finish my test in peace."
Poorpeople claps his hands together, and says, "Hot damn! I knew you'd come to your senses" before toddling off to warm up potential voters in the frozen food aisles.
Fir watches him leave and presses the start button. He says aloud, "Yes, it's time for someone to die."
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel.
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