Blog Love Omega Glee: Who Remembers The Maine? (11 September 2012)

Leaving a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new building on the site of the World Trade Center complex in New York City, Dick is helped into a specially converted limousine Hummer that can accommodate his vending machine body. Louis Carson Fir and Chess the dog wait in the back seat where Chess has been chewing on Fir's red white and blue tie while Fir feverishly taps away at his cell phone. "Ah, Fir! Just the person I'm looking for!" Dick says, as the Hummer shakes with his settlement inside.

"Hello, sir!" Fir looks up briefly, then continues tapping away.

As the Hummer speeds away along with the rest of the presidential motorcade, Chess hops across the seat to Dick and licks his side.

"Good girl!" Dick says to her, then to Fir, "Well, I doubt we'll get much mileage out of this ceremony. I think we've milked 9/11 dry."

"Well, it happens, sir. Americans have short memories. I mean who remembers the Maine anymore?"

"The Maine?"

"My point exactly, sir. People say they'll remember forever, but they quickly forget they ever even said that."

"Hmm . . . it'd be a shame with all the new construction they're doing there, but maybe we can just blow those buildings up again."

"Risky, sir. Even if you blamed it on terrorists again, your opponents might see it as an opportunity to prove that your national security policies weren't working. That same trick might not work twice."

"Well, at least we got a good decade of war and control out of it. What's the latest poll figures, anyway?"

"The real ones or the fake ones, sir?"

"The real ones, you idiot. I know we're ahead in the fake ones. That's why they're fake."

"Not good, sir. Even with Lovemoney out, you're still in fourth place."

"What?" Dick's tentacles flail in the air.

"Well, the Green Party candidate Someold Hippie took his place. Even though the Libertarians and Greens are ideological opposites, many voters don't care about such distinctions. They just know they don't like the major parties so they switch to another third party candidate rather than one of the major party candidates."

"That Lovemoney son of a bitch. We paid him a lot of money to drop out and we didn't get anything for it? That's a slick bastard. I respect that. I could use some talent like that working for me instead of the morons I have currently. No offense, Fir. You're not a moron. You're just an idiot. Remind me to appoint Lovemoney the next time a Cabinet position opens up."

"Noted, sir," Fir pauses, after checking his phone, "In any case, sir, the real third party threat is O'Couscous. She started as a joke, but she could actually win."

"Can't we dig up some dirt on her?"

"She's a porn star, sir. There's nothing in her closet but more dildos, I'm afraid."

"Hmm . . . maybe we can have her or Polipo meet a tragic end. That worked that time with Wellstone."

"I don't think so, sir. Remember that can backfire as well. Remember when the dead man beat Ashcroft in the Senate race."

"Well, any corpse would have more charisma than Ashcroft, but point taken. It's risky. I know that," Dick sighs and presses on the painted American flag pin on his chest to make a can of Poca-Cola clunk out beneath his tie.

Dick grasps the can with one of his noodly appendages, pops the tab, and glugs it down. He burps loudly, crushes the can, and throws it into the front seat where it hits a Secret Service agent in the back of the head. "Sorry about that, Chief!" Dick yells, then turns to Fir, "I swear this campaigning stuff is stressful. It's no wonder I just canceled the last election and skipped it all. It's a damn shame we can't do that again this time. I think I'm going to take up smoking. Fir, can you get me some Cubans?"

"Yes, sir."

"You know that's illegal, don't you?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Fortunately for you, I am the law, and I'll write an executive order exempting you from the ban on trade with Cuba," Dick sighs, "I can't believe that goddamn superflu mutated and just turned into a case of the sniffles."

"We could try the voter implant idea again?" Fir says, the last syllable hanging hopefully in the air before plummeting like an old-fashioned bomb dropped on Europe during World War II.

"Are you nuts? Congress is running from me as it is. If I tried that again, I'd alienate even the hardcore loons still with me. None of them want to end up beaten with pancakes by senior citizens like Corporatewhore did. Especially this close to an election."

Fir tries to cover his nose nonchalantly.

"What's the matter, Fir? Is my head stinking again? It's this goddamn heat. I can't wait until my new body's ready and I don't have any organic parts anymore. Those stupid liberals and their fetish for eating organic food. Organic, shmorganic. Machines are where it's at, Fir. Machines are the future. Flesh is just the egg we crawled out of. In any case, I apologize for the smell of my remaining meat."

"No, sir. It's not you. It's just New York. It smells. There are too many immigrants and minorities here," Fir says, pinching his nose.

"You sound like a robot, Fir. Maybe I should get you a new body too. You wouldn't have to limp anymore," Dick says, then yells at the driver, "Turn up the air conditioning! Something stinks back here besides the campaign!"

"That's very kind of you, sir."

"I didn't do it for you, Fir. I just couldn't stand to watch you pinch your nose any longer. You started to look like my wife, and I've looked at her for too many years already. Well, what are we going to do, Fir? Even with the fixes on the voting machines, I don't know that we can pull this election off."

"Leave it to me, sir."

"I don't know, Fir. Maybe I should just loot the rest of the treasury and call it a day. My mother, Fir, she used to sing me a lullaby when I was young. Fir, will you sing me a lullaby?"

"Sir?"

"Sleep, sleep, sleep, baby, baby, baby . . ." Dick mumbles, his eyes shutting.

Chess barks.

Fir starts to sing to the rhythm of the wheels as the motorcade heads to the airport.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel.