"Surrounded by twenty midgets engaging in a midget battle royale, the nearly seven feet tall wrestler known as Sweetcakes Sullivan strolls through the melee munching on the latest wrestling promotional product sold at the merchandise tables in the arena, a three-foot stick of meat byproducts called The Knuckle Sandwich Meatstick. Biting into the Meatstick like a police dog sticking its teeth into a arrest practice dummy, Sullivan tears off a hunk of processed food and chews it like a trash compactor in the back of a garbage truck dealing with a particularly troublesome piece of furniture. Occasionally, a midget will jump on Sullivan's back only to be swatted with The Meatstick and tossed into the crowd like a rolled up piece of paper tossed into a trash can at 3 a.m. by a frustrated writer facing a morning deadline. As The Meatstick grows smaller and the midgets get fewer, Sullivan pauses to watch five midgets gang up on another and toss him over the top rope. Sticking The Meatstick in his mouth where it hangs like a plunger stuck to a ceiling, Sullivan brings his baseball glove size hands together to shower them with cavernous applause. Then, like a kicker in a football game launching a longshot fieldgoal, he storms forward and punts Kid Skyscraper out of the ring into the second row of the crowd where he lands on top of a beer vendor in the process of serving watered down beer at an exorbitant price to a drunk businessman from Topeka. The other midgets scramble to throw themselves over the top rope, leaving Sullivan alone in the ring. He savors his victory by swallowing the last of The Meatstick. Then he falls down dead. Watching from the backstage area, private detective Gian Notte couldn't tell if Sullivan's collapse was a shoot or a work, whether the giant was alive or dead. He knew one thing though. He was damn sure going to find out."
"Whatcha reading?" a raspy voice right next to Jake's right ear startles him into dropping his book and spilling his coffee across the small table he sits at in Cafe Eden.
As Jake hurriedly and mostly futilely attempts to mop up the spilt coffee with the one tiny napkin on the table, he is joined at the table by the two old coffeehouse vultures Larry and Tom.
"Hey, Jesse, sorry about that! I didn't mean to make you spill your coffee," Tom says, twirling the corners of his mustache.
"What are you reading?" Larry says, sitting down, "How come you aren't on FaceSpace like all the other young people?"
"Uh," Jake says, giving up on containing the coffee spill and wiping off the splatter from his book with the perimeter of his t-shirt, "I'm reading the new Gian Notte novel."
"Gian Notte? What's that?" Tom says, wiping up the remnant of the coffee spill with the daily newspaper.
"He's an ex-professional wrestler who now works as a private detective and solves mysteries."
"A mystery novel, huh?" Larry says, "I read a lot of those. You know what I've noticed?"
Jake doesn't answer him and Tom ignores him, focusing instead on shaking his newspaper to dry it out. Larry doesn't seem to notice though and answers himself, "All those times those detectives are on stakeouts and drinking all that coffee, they never have to go to the restroom. Has your detective taken a piss break yet in your novel?"
"Uh, no, but I just started it."
"I bet he doesn't. Why don't fictional detectives ever take a shit? They must be awfully constipated by now. I mean some of those detective series run for years and years."
"What's that?" Tom says, giving up on the newspaper by balling it up and tossing it on a nearby empty table.
"I was just telling Jeremy here that detectives in mystery novels never use the bathroom."
"Sure they do."
"When?"
"Between the chapters."
"That's ridiculous!"
"Well, you don't think the writer's going to describe it, do you? I mean who picks up a cozy and wants to read about Miss Marple having diarrhea from eating too many raspberry cream scones? They want to read about tea, not pee."
"So these books will describe human beings being murdered and all sorts of gruesome things, but they're afraid of showing someone take a dump?"
As the argument begins, Jake picks up his book and excuses himself to use the restroom. He quietly slips out the front door as the argument noisily continues. He walks quickly home because he needs to use the bathroom.
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel.
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