Blog Love Omega Glee: Baby Wants His Dinky (18 August 2012)

Having finally conjured up the courage to email Francine about finding the weird zine in Screed, Jake relaxes by watching Grapple Groove. This week, the program opens with The Baby crawling to the ring, with his manager, H.C. Beaver, behind him pushing a baby carriage stocked with his feeding bottles and a few other objects good for hitting opponents with when the referee's back is turned.

Picture a three-hundred pound pale man with thick blonde curls, wearing white diapers, carrying a rattle and a ragged blue blanket, and sucking on a pacifier, and you have pictured The Baby. Not known for his technical expertise, The Baby remains undefeated, overwhelming opponents with his tantrums and the lead rattle or other foreign object Beaver tosses in the ring when the referee isn't looking.

Tonight, The Baby wrestles in a gender neutral contest, facing The Angry Housewife, a woman known more for her killer than maternal instinct.

Some nights, Jake wonders why he ever started watching wrestling.

Then The Housewife hits the ring and hits The Baby with an ironing board, and Jake remembers why: It's hilarious.

The Housewife chases The Baby, who suddenly moves from crawling to running full-sprint, into the crowd. He loses her there because she stops and tucks in the shirts of a few male wrestling fans, berating them for not grooming better. The Baby finds H.C. Beaver at ringside and hides behind her. He keeps crying and touching her breasts, seemingly requesting a feeding, but she smacks his hands away. As the referee starts to count both wrestlers out, Beaver sighs and gives The Baby a suck on his bottle and then pushes him back in the ring.

Also beating the count, The Housewife rolls into the ring, and cradles The Baby's head between her thighs, which she then drives down into the mat.

The Baby cries and the referee pushes The Housewife away in order to check on The Baby. While the referee is making cooing noises and babytalk to soothe the battered wrestler, The Baby reaches into the back of his diapers and pulls out some "poo poo", as he calls it, and throws it over the ref's shoulder onto The Housewife, who erupts in a rage at the poo poo staining her nice white apron. She pushes the ref aside and starts to shake The Baby violently. Then she takes The Baby over her knee and gives him a vicious spanking. Leaving him bawling in the middle of the ring, The Housewife climbs up the southwest post of the ring and leaps through the air, driving her elbow deep into the mounds of babyfat on The Baby's stomach. H.C. Beaver climbs up on the ring apron and the referee walks over and tells her to get down. While the referee's distracted by her arguing with him, Beaver kicks the rattle over to The Baby, who picks it up and swings at The Housewife. Unfortunately for him, she is no longer where she was, having also taken advantage of the referee having his back turned to retrieve a cast iron frying pan from under the ring, which, after coming from behind, she uses to burp The Baby by whacking it against his back. She burps him again by slapping him in the back of his head with the frying pan and The Baby takes a nap face first in the middle of the ring. She rolls him over onto his back and pins him. The referee turns and dives to the mat, slapping his hand three times against it and declaring The Housewife the victor.

After The Housewife has left, The Baby wakes up and throws a tantrum because he lost. He cries, "I want my dinky! I want my dinky!" until Beaver sticks the pacifier in his mouth. Then sucking on it, he is led out of the ring by Beaver.

As a commercial comes on, Jake has an epiphany that "this" is an anagram for "shit". Unsure of the significance of that discovery, he thinks about it until Grapple Groove returns, whereupon he forgets about it entirely, and, like The Baby with his pacifier, is content to suck on the tit of the tube.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.