Blog Love Omega Glee: Snipers Stop Speeders (3 August 2012)

Senator Rob Poorpeople may have dropped out of the presidential race, but he hasn't dropped out of the news. As usual, controversy drops out of his mouth more often than spit does when he's touring a family farmer's farm and chewing tobacco to show that he's a good old boy. Francine enjoys following the reaction to Poorpeople's latest policy proposal, which emerged in response to a spate of news stories decrying accidents and hit and runs caused by speeding motorists. She tunes into a press conference Poorpeople has called to quell the ruckus.

Poorpeople approaches the podium and numerous flashes go off from photographers taking photos. "How's my hair?" he says and smiles, playfully fixing a couple stray gray hairs.

Some reporters shout "Senator!" in hopes of getting the first question, but Poorpeople ignores them and fiddles with one of the pockets in his suit. He pats down his pockets like he's looking for something, and then shrugs. He faces the crowd but ignores the shouts and waves of the reporters to instead go into a rambling monologue punctuated with numerous uhs about how he loved to drive on back roads in the Ohio countryside when he got his first car. He sticks his right index finger in the air and jabs it near the microphones, ". . . But I always obeyed the speed limit. I was, uh, searching my pockets a couple minutes ago for a locket that the mother of Lavindaroo Jones gave me. As some of you might know, little Lavindaroo was three years old and her doll's head popped off and rolled into the street. Now, Lavindaroo was a good girl and she did what she was told. She looked both ways before entering the street to retrieve the head of her doll. However, Lavindaroo couldn't have known that a speeder going about a hundred miles an hour was going to whip down her block right then, and . . ."

Poorpeople pretends to cut his throat with his right index finger and makes a clicking noise, then a gurgling sound, before dropping the sound effects and continuing in English, at least some version of English, ". . . and that was it for little Lavindaroo. So that's why I carry around the locket her mother gave me, so I can remember why it's so important that my proposal to stop speeding be looked at seriously. Uh, I must have left that locket in my other pair of pants, sorry, Mrs. Jones. So, once again, I am proposing that I will try to get some federal money to fund a program for the state of Ohio, Governor Asspicker and the legislature, uh, if they, uh, if they authorize some snipers from the state police or the National Guard, and station them at certain strategic points where speeding is a problem and outfit them with a radar gun, as well as their rifle of course, and when they spot a speeder instead of engaging in a dangerous high speed pursuit and giving the speeder a ticket, that they simply fire upon one of the speeder's tires and put a halt to his, uh, or her, uh, travel on our roads. I think most of the citizens of this country are sick and tired of that minority of their fellow citizens who can't, uh, won't obey the law."

The din of the reporters reaches a new height so Poorpeople takes a question. Ann Flunkie of The Toledo Fishwrap asks, "But, Senator, although clearly your proposal raises the stakes on speeding for speeders, isn't there a high chance that a tire blown out at high speed could cause the speeding car to crash into another innocent motorist or a bystander?"

"Well, Ann, that's a good point, and I guess, uh, my response, uh, would be, that that innocent motorist or bystander is already in danger because of the speeder. If something does happen, then that innocent bystander can take heart that her or his sacrifice will undoubtedly help save future innocent bystanders because I guarantee after a few speeders die in rollover crashes that the number of people speeding will drop significantly, and we'll be able to save future Lavindaroos when they go to get their dolls' heads out of the street. In any case, the state has sovereign immunity so it's not like we can be sued anyway. Next question."

After the press conference, a statement by Governor Asspicker emerges that says the Senator's proposal will be taken under consideration.

Whenever the governor needs a laugh.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.