Blog Love Omega Glee: Congressional Representative Waffles On Voter Implants After Pancake Battering (15 August 2012)

To take her mind off Jake, Francine has immersed herself in blogging with a fervor not seen since last November's blogathon in which she stayed up forty-eight hours straight and near the end blogged such gibberish as "I sleepy ha ha ha. 2 hour to go until end of blogathon" and "dsjklfhds vdskmgfk gfds,kjgfdsfdsmuasx fkdsfbgfi;.kewp'/h['jpdermgb;gblefvs LOL! LOL! LOL! SOS! SOS! SOS!"

At the moment, her favorite political story to follow and post commentary about is the rancorous reception to Dick's idea that all voters should have implants in their wrists to verify their identity and prevent voter fraud. Not only has the tinfoil hat brigade responded in alarm as expected, but unexpectedly so have most voters. At first, Republican members of Congress marched in lockstep as usual with the president to sell the idea, as did spineless Democrats. Even most Democrats who opposed the idea generally opposed it only because they wanted a) to make sure the implants would be implanted by federal employees and not private contractors and b) the implants should be union made in the USA. But after a few protests at town hall meetings held during the August recess of Congress, opposition to the implant idea in Congress has already grown more fierce. Particularly after Rep. Kevin Corporatewhore (R-Neanderthal) was attacked physically by a mob at his annual pancake breakfast fundraiser, support for the implant idea in Congress dropped like a campaign promise after an election. For, despite being safely gerrymandered into one of the politically most conservative districts in the entire country, Corporatewhore's refusal at the town hall pancake breakfast to disavow support for the implant idea spurred the usual bored grandmothers and grumpy old men who attend such a boring event to manhandle Corporatewhore, strip him of his expensive suit paid for by corporate lobbyists, dip and smear him in pancake butter and syrup, and dump powdered sugar and blueberries on him, before leaving him unconscious in the parking lot to be swarmed by yellowjackets, ants, and other insects attracted to such a sweet treat. It was a modernday tarring and feathering, a practice not seen in that area of the country since a carpetbagger tried to abscond with the county's prize two-headed rooster shortly after The Civil War ended. Atavistically revived with enthusiasm, the tradition appears to be spreading across the country like . . . something that spreads across the country quickly--OK, I'll say it. Wildfire!--terrifying other members of Congress away from supporting the implant idea as well as from holding any town hall pancake breakfasts.

Donuts and coffee seem a bit safer.

From his hospital bed, Corporatewhore now leads the Republican opposition to voter implants.

And also pancakes.

He also claims that, despite plenty of evidence in statements to the press and on video interviews to the contrary, he has always opposed the implant idea, and that the crowd that day misunderstood him due to perhaps their hearing aids malfunctioning or a sugar frenzy from the fritters. But he will forgive them as long as they vote for him in November, and next time remember that he only likes butter on his pancakes, and not his pancakes on him.

Clearly, Dick's implant idea is designed to implement electoral fraud, not prevent it. It is just the latest evolution of such ratfucking as dropping registered voters likely to vote for one's opponent off the rolls by hiring a database company to loosely find any name similar to a felon's, using electronic voting machines to transfer votes for an opposing candidate to one's favored candidate, and distributing flyers to minority and poor areas informing voters that "Due to increased voter interest in this election, voting will be held over two days. Republicans vote on Tuesday. Democrats and Independents vote on Wednesday."

Considering that aside from the surface, the essential difference between Democrats and Republicans is infinitesimal (where a Republican might bar Medicare from purchasing in bulk drugs from pharmaceutical companies, a Democrat might also bar Medicare from purchasing in bulk but demand that the companies cut their prices 2%, with the result still being that the government and, ultimately, taxpayers are vastly overcharged for little reason other than to keep the campaign contributions and future lobbying jobs flowing to the politicians). Consequently, Francine is always amazed at the lengths the two parties will go to screw over the other, exceeded only by their internal squabbling and when they briefly unite to squelch any serious third party threat. Both major parties ultimately work for the same rich people and corporations. She supposes it is merely a point of pride with them, as in which sports team wins a game. But effectively the only real losers are the citizens.

For real change, maybe the country needs more pancake breakfasts like Rep. Corporatewhore's.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.