Unemployment makes avoiding the commercials on television so as to miss the temptation of any shiny new product a very good idea. Consequently, Jake plans on recording Grapple Groove again this week, but finds the allure of watching live wrestling too much to resist and tunes in anyway to discover The Panty Sniffer, who's the current champion, kicking off the show in the ring.
Jake notices that The Panty Sniffer oddly doesn't have his championship belt on. In fact, it's nowhere in sight. However, The Sniffer does have his trademark pantyhose on over his head and picks up a microphone to address the arena crowd. The crowd cheers and several pairs of panties get thrown in the ring, along with a large pair of men's white briefs with a prominent black skidmark on the back. The Sniffer sets down the mike and gathers up the panties into a pile in the corner of the ring, except for the briefs which he throws out of the ring, where it lands on the head of announcer Steve Dore.
"I like your new headgear, Steve!" his announcing partner Felix Fatality says, leaning away from Dore.
"Oh, that's just great," Dore says, chucking the underwear off his head and into the crowd, where people duck.
It lands in some dad's nachos, who picks it up dipped in cheese and throws it at his wife, who ducks, and it hits a teenager in an Amazing Announcer t-shirt, who, horrified, throws it a couple rows back. It continues to be thrown around the arena as The Sniffer picks up the microphone again, "Thanks for the panties, ladies! And for those who didn't get the message before, no men's underwear please."
He pauses to scoop and sniff a pair of dark blue panties from the pile, then continues. "As you know panty-sniffing unites the world. Based on my website I've found panty-sniffers from Algeria to Alabama, from Zaire to Zelienople, so I was proud to take our fetish from out of the shadows into the spotlight and serve as your world heavyweight champion. However, I have some bad news. The other day I was doing some laundry in Orange, Virginia, and I got distracted. Now, I'm not going to go into how I got distracted, but when I was done being, um, distracted, the championship belt was gone."
The crowd gasps.
"The championship belt got stolen?" Fatality says in disbelief.
"Now, I don't know what you do with a championship belt that doesn't belong to you. I mean I know what I do with panties I've stolen, but a belt is different. It doesn't smell too interesting. I should know; I've sniffed it before. Anyway, I don't steal panties anymore since you fine people give some to me every night. And, remember, stealing is bad, kids! Back to the belt! I don't think you can pawn it. I don't know what can be done with it, but I do know this. I want it back. No questions asked. Whoever stole it just get it back to me. That's all that matters. I should have kept my eye on it better. I apologize. Maybe it's karma paying me back for that time I was naughty, but I've learned my lesson and when I do laundry from now on I promise I won't get distracted, or use too much bleach either. Those are good changes, but one thing that hasn't changed is that I'm still the champion though. I just don't have my belt," The Sniffer says, sniffing.
"Who stole the championship belt?" Dore says.
Jake has no idea. He's still trying to figure out how a guy who sniffs panties got to be so popular in the first place.
Maybe they should just forget the belt and make him a pair of golden panties for the remainder of his championship reign.
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.
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