Blog Love Omega Glee: The Right To Lob Molotovs (12 July 2012)

Throwing her podcast into the audio stream, Francine reels in some good old fashioned American patriotic paranoid conservative libertarian right winger radio on the left of her Internet dial. Andrew Falseflag, a former exterminator who found it more lucrative to be a gasbag and sell political fantasy and shill products than just gas bugs for a living, explains how public transportation is a plot: "It's obvious when you think about it. But the American people are too obsessed with following the tawdry titillating tales of celebrity escapades and too drugged up with prescription drugs, unlike the more inexpensive natural remedies that our advertisers sell such as Bellyrubbie, the new mineral supplement guaranteed to keep your beer belly in check yet enable you to keep drinking beer. Why I've been using this for a month now and I can't keep my wife off my now sexy middle. Yet I haven't exercised more than usual or stopped drinking beer. In fact, the only think I've done differently is to take a Bellyrubbie every day. But I'll tell you what I can't take are the, pardon me, Lord, goddam liberals in this country who are leading us and themselves down the garden path. Think about it, people. Stop looking at that Internet pornography and stuffing your face with cheese puffs and use your head for more than a hatstand. The liberals in this country, and by liberals I mean every Democrat and Republican in this country, have been obsessed with getting people to stop smoking for years. Now, despite the massive increases in life expectancy during our lifetimes, we've been told that they want us to stop smoking in order to save our health, but that's not the reason, you and I both know that. My grandmother lived to be a hundred and she smoked a pack of Packa Sacka Whacka Tobacca cigarettes until the day she died. In fact, she was smoking when she died and on her final breath she blew a smoke ring. No, the real reason they want you to stop smoking is so that you'll have no reason to carry something around anymore. Think about it, people. What do all smokers carry around with them right next to their cigarettes? A lighter. That's right. Or matches. Or a blowtorch. Whatever floats your boat, goat! But something that generates fire. That's right. They want to control our access to fire. Fire! Fire! Fire! The technology that separated us from the rest of the creatures on God's formerly green Earth. Once we had control over fire, we had control over our environment, and that has not changed today, folks. Now, thank about what other form of technology has suffered the disdain of liberals and progressives and smelly hippie bike riders in recent years. That's right! The automobile! And you can get a great used automobile, folks, if you live here in the Akron area, and if you don't they can ship the car to you wherever you are, and, of course, I'm talking about Mountebank Motors. My friend Mike Kilian will hook you up with a great deal. Just tell him Andy sent you, and he'll give you a free miniature POW/MIA flag that you can mount on your new, well new to you, vehicle. But the automobile used to be the symbol of American power before the government took over and neutered our auto industry so a bunch of crap cars from around the world could take over the marketplace. By the way, if Mike sells you a foreign car, it'll be a good one. Anyway, they've been pushing for public transportation and for bikes and for walking and God knows what else they've come up with. 'The automobile is bad because of global warming and smog and urban sprawl and suburbia and war and occupying other countries for their oil supplies and running over pedestrians', whatever line of garbage they'll give you about why it's bad. It doesn't matter. They just want you to stop driving. You know why? Think about it, people. There are two reasons. The first is you're easier to control without a car. Get in a car and go wherever you want, whenever you want. You choose! Which in the case of abortion liberals love, but for anything else, they don't like choice. The second reason is, well, folks, what goes along with a car? Think about it, people! What do you have to stop at every so often when you have a car? A gas station! Gas! That's right! And if you still miss the feel of those old time service stations, where service was rendered with a smile and they pumped your gas for you and checked the oil and checked your tires, well, you're out of luck, but the closest thing you'll find to it is owned by my pal Abu on the east side of Cleaveland. Stop in at The Blood Of Palestine service station. You'll recognize it from the big mural on the side. Pick up some pork rinds while you're there. Best pork rinds in town! It's on the corner of East 55th and some street whose name I forget. Anyway! You need gas, you stop in there, and gas is exactly what the liberals don't want you to have. Actually the liberals are just dupes. It's the shadow government that doesn't want you to have gasoline. They just send out their talking points to their plants in the corporate media and then let the sheep fall in line and take it from there. You know why they don't want you to have lighters and gasoline? You know why? Think about it, people! You take a lighter and you take some gasoline and you can make yourself a Molotov cocktail. Well, you need a bottle and a couple other things, but I'm talking about the main ingredients. The new world order wants to prevent you from having any access to lighters or matches and gasoline so you'll have nothing to resist them when their tanks roll in to crush you with their tyranny when they declare martial law and throw you into the FEMA slave labor camps. They're working on guns too, of course! Well, I don't know about you, but the minute I get out of the studio I'm going to celebrate my freedom by lighting up a cigar, taking a ride in my automobile, and shooting my gun out the window at the first jackbooted thug who tries to take away my rights. And, if you're looking for some boots, check out Orwell's Boots in Canton. They'll be glad to hook you up with a new pair of stompers . . ."

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.