Jake is thankful that tonight on Grapple Groove the mystery of the missing world championship belt concludes one way or another. If The Panty Sniffer does not find his belt by the end of the program tonight, he forfeits his championship. All the attempts at finding the belt have failed, including The Sniffer's recent alliance with Martin "The Smart One" Black, so in a desperation maneuver he has turned to R. Bastard.
The program opens in the locker room. Wrestlers who haven't even wrestled yet already sweat and roam past metal lockers and benches in various stages of undress--the wrestlers, not the lockers and benches; the lockers and benches are naked as always, those shameless vixens!--and drinking various types of coffee: black, sugar, two sugars, sugar with cream, cream, Irish cream, rum, whiskey, steroids, painkillers, and that crazy Sir Mulberry Bush even likes to mix his with a raw egg for an extra protein boost (often resulting in a vomit boost as well). In the midst of all this, the camera operator zooms in for an intimate conversation between The Sniffer and Bastard. The Sniffer, barechested and drooping himself the way the pantyhose on his head usually droops, asks, "Bastard, with all your connections in the underworld and in black ops, have you heard anything about anybody trying to fence my championship belt or anything?"
"I'm sorry to hear about your troubles," Bastard says, his yellow-smiley face mask belying his words of sympathy, "But I'm afraid to say I haven't heard anything. However, I'll be happy to help you out."
"Let me guess, you want a championship shot in return?" The Sniffer says, despondently.
"No, I can take care of that myself," Bastard says, shaking his head, "I just want a thousand bucks for my time, half upfront and half when I find your belt."
"You really think you can find it?" The Sniffer brightens.
"I guarantee it."
"How do I know that's not just codswallop? I've had a lot of offers to help me find the belt and none have panned out. I've just had to wrestle title shot after title shot and still gotten no closer to getting my belt back. If I don't have it back by tonight, then my championship gets stripped. So, you're telling me that you can succeed where everybody else, including myself, has failed, and in two hours to boot?"
"Yep!"
"What a bastard you are! I ought to know better but I'm in dire straits here," The Sniffer reaches into his trunks and pulls out a roll of sweaty paper currency, which he sniffs.
Eying the sweaty roll of bills, Bastard says, "A check will be fine."
The Sniffer ignores him and peels off five one-hundred dollar bills from the roll and hands them to him, "All right, get cracking, time is running out!"
Bastard holds the bills at a far corner and puts them in his wallet. "OK, what about the other half?" he asks.
"Other half? You haven't found the belt yet," The Sniffer says, exasperated.
"Yeah, I did," Bastard says, reaching under a nearby bench, dragging out his gymbag, and pulling the world championship belt out of it.
What a bastard!
"You've had my belt all along!" The Sniffer yells.
"I 'borrowed' it from the laundromat. Sorry I forgot to tell you, but I figured you wouldn't mind since you were 'borrowing' that redhead's panties at the same time I took this," Bastard hands The Sniffer the belt, who promptly hugs it tightly to his chest.
"I'm happy, but I ought to kick your ass. I've been going nuts for a month looking for this thing! Tonight we're having a match to settle our differences!"
"That's fine," Bastard says, holding out his hand, "But you still owe me five hundred dollars."
What a complete bastard!
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.
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