Blog Love Omega Glee: He May Be A Bastard, But He's R. Bastard (3 July 2012)

Sick of commercials interrupting television programs, Jake recorded the latest Grapple Groove, but he hasn't gotten around to viewing it since he has been meditating on marriage and potential fatherhood. If his own dad is any indication of their effect upon men, Jake may, having dodged this bullet, not want to continue playing Russian Roulette with sperm and egg. When the world gets to be too much to deal with, Jake, like many, finds solace in watching people pretend to beat the stuffing out of one another in a world where problems get solved by the count of three, and so he watches the recorded episode of Grapple Groove.

Spy music plays over the speakers in the arena. As the bassline races to a video of a chase scene on the huge screens by the entrance ramp, the audience wonders where R. Bastard will appear from this week. Supposedly an undercover operative who wrestles on the side, R. Bastard is a man of mystery. No one knows what the "R" stands for. Some say it means "Roosevelt", as in Franklin Delano, who supposedly said "He may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch" when speaking of a Latin American dictator. Some say it stands for "Harry R. Truman" (not Harry S. Truman, the president who supposedly said "He may be a bastard, but he's our bastard" when speaking of a Cold War dictator)--Harry R. Truman was R. Bastard's first manager, who disappeared mysteriously last year.

Some say it just stands for "Ricardo" or something.

In any case, Bastard wears a Mexican-wrestling mask that looks like a yellow smiley face, and a black singlet, and claims to be Mexican-American from Texas, but frequently drops his "r"s like he's from Boston. He's a nasty piece of work, whatever that means, but claims to work on the side of the angels, provided somebody else doesn't bid higher. Technically a face, he breaks rules as often as any rulebreaker.

Bastard pops out of the crowd, where he'd been hiding behind/reading a newspaper, and runs down to the ring, catching by surprise his opponent William Whitecollar, who was looking at the wrong side of the arena. Just as Whitecollar turns around, Bastard clotheslines him out of the ring, and the bell rings to begin the match officially. Bastard then gets out of the ring himself and he and Whitecollar begin to pummel one another. The referee--retired wrestler Infidel Castro, looking guapo in his black and white striped ref shirt and black pants--demands that the wrestlers return to the ring or be counted out. He begins to count to ten. When he gets to nine, Bastard shoves Whitecollar into the crowd and rolls back into the ring just under the count of ten, where he is declared the victor by countout.

What a bastard!

Whitecollar, who looks like the white guy in the next cubicle over if you work in an office, picks up a microphone and begins ranting about the low and dirty trick Bastard pulled, and how Bastard is a bastard.

Bastard grabs a microphone and says, "Hey, my father and mother never marrying is no fault of mine. Yell at them if you want to yell at someone about that. Don't call me names. In any case, you're only upset because you lost. Maybe you ought to yell at your parents for not teaching you how to count."

That's our bastard!

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.