At Purgatory, Francine picks up a copy of today's Cleaveland Advertiser that someone has left behind on a nearby table. Waiting for Jake, with nothing better to do in the meantime, she begins to read it. These are her thoughts while doing so:
"Well, there's absolutely nothing on the front page that's of interest. Everything seems to be the latest propaganda by various governments and large corporations. The local news seems to consist of things readers send in. There are skunks in Syrup Heights--stop the presses! Does this newspaper even have reporters anymore? The rest of the paper seems to be wire reports, which appear in papers across the country. That must make things nice and centralized for anyone trying to control the news. Well, the wars seem to be going as badly as ever. If this is what they're reporting, then I'd assume they're actually going even worse. It's a wonder we can still afford to muck around in other people's countries when this country's broke, but that shows you where the priorities of the leaders are. They'd rather let our infrastructure rot entirely then give up playing with their wartoys. There's another waste of money: giving other countries foreign aid. They may need help there, but we need help here. They gave Haiti $3 million dollars to run an election and no one showed up to vote because they were afraid the current thugs in charge would cut off their ears with machetes. Half that country eats dirt cookies. They should have just sent them some chocolate chip cookies instead, and then let the taste of that chocolaty goodness spur a revolution. And the elections here are fake. They should have used that money here to clean up our elections first. Oh, here's the letters to the editor. Well, nothing interesting here, but then the letters can only be two hundred words long, which is about the right length for an idiotic observation. Next they'll require the letters to be written as haikus so they can save even more space to fill with advertising yet still present the semblance of allowing readers their say. Of course, since most of the paper is filled with items the readers email or phone in, there isn't much of a distinction between fact and opinion in the paper anyway. The letters to the editor section is a relic as it is. Oh, here's another newspaper columnist complaining that no one reads newspapers anymore because people are too obsessed with the instant gratification of the Internet. I'd blame the decline of newspaper readership on shitty newspapers such as this one but that's just me. Well, crime is up again. Gee, who would have thought that having lots of parents abandon their responsibilities and basically dump their kids on the streets would have led to gang violence? The government should just end welfare and send every citizen an automatic weapon and wish them good luck. People will either have to be responsible or dead. If these women want to have no job, no husband, and ten kids, then they should pay for them. I shouldn't have to pay for that crap through my taxes. And the deadbeat dads should be beat and dead. Hey, the business section is filled with profiles of why these rich people are really great. With these puff pieces, the paper must be trying to get them to advertise. Turn the page! The metro section is the best. The police blotter makes me spill my bladder. After drinking all this coffee, I better go to the restroom before I read it. . . . OK, now that I'm empty I can fill up on criminal stupidity. Let's see, a security guard raped a teenager. Why do they always hire criminals and fuck-ups for security positions? That doesn't seem very secure. Two young guys robbed Social Security checks from an old man for a year. Now, I know Social Security probably won't be around when those guys are older, but that's no way to protest that. A child care worker threw a three year old boy across the room. Hmm, maybe a timeout would be more effective, plus then the kid wouldn't have permanent brain damage. Lots of child pornographers today. Isn't there enough adult pornography on the Internet to satisfy these people? An old guy got charged with attempted murder for shooting a burglar? They should give him a medal, not jail time. On to politics, well, nothing new there. The local Democratic party is still corrupt and the national Republican party is still corrupt. And years later when they switch places, they'll still be corrupt, but the newspaper will still suck up to them both anyway. One guy here is saying how lawyers who practice before judges should still be allowed to give money to the judges' election campaigns because 'If we're not going to contribute to them, who would?' How about nobody? I guess if technically it's legal, then it's not considered a bribe. The obituaries! Well, I didn't die today so that's good. Hey, that woman was only in her twenties and she's dead! When people younger than me die, I worry a bit. Ah, sports! People paid millions of dollars to move balls around in various ways. What a fucked-up society we have. Skip! Well, maybe I should see if they cover wrestling for Jake. Nope! Ah, the comics. That's the best part of the paper. Hey, there are only three strips left! And there's no entertainment section anymore. Well, the police blotter was entertaining enough. I'm not going to bother with the classified ads. Besides there are only twelve of them anyway. Well, that was a good way to spend five minutes, but I don't know why anybody would pay for it."
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.
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