"From Philadelphia and licensed to practice law in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, it's The Pettifoggers!" the ring announcer declares, which normally wouldn't be odd, but it's in the middle of a match already in process on Grapple Groove.
Watching the episode he recorded this weekend, Jake laughs as the wrestlers already in the ring--The Cannibals and the tag team of The Java Jolter and The Waffle Warrior, known collectively as The Breakfast Battlers--pause and stare as Stuart Subpoena and Victor Verdict approach the ring, wearing dark three-piece suits and carrying briefcases. Subpoena waves a piece of paper in the air, which he hands to the referee while Verdict grabs a microphone and says, "Stop! Stop this match! It's a travesty of justice!"
Looking more like he graduated from reform school than law school, Verdict glances at the wrestlers in the ring, "Not to mention a travesty of a wrestling match!"
The Pettifoggers climb in the ring as the other wrestlers throw their hands in the air and protest the interruption. Verdict addresses them and the fans in the arena, "What we've just handed the referee is an injunction a federal judge just issued to stop this tag team tournament. As you may recall, my partner and I were the former tag team champions until we were illegally stripped of the belts. That's why this tag team tournament is being held to determine who the new champions are. But we have sued to stop this unlawful discrimination against us and restore our championship."
The crowd boos.
"Was that an objection?" Verdict says, dropping the microphone from his mouth and putting a hand to his ear to hear better.
The crowd boos loudly.
Verdict drops the hand and raises the microphone back to his mouth, "Overruled!"
The crowd boos more loudly.
He continues, "However, despite this bad faith of the WWWWWW, my partner and I are so confident in our wrestling abilities that we are willing to offer an alternative dispute resolution. If we are permitted to enter this tournament, then we will settle things in the ring instead of in the court."
Subpoena takes out another piece of paper from his briefcase and gives it to the referee, who reads it and scratches his head.
Verdict passes the mike to Subpoena. "That's right," Subpoena says, "If the referee as an authorized representative of the WWWWWW will kindly sign that contract we've just given him, then we will drop our suit and reconfigure the tournament. Unfortunately, for you folks here tonight, that probably will take some time, which means this match that was in process, if it continues at all, will probably see a change in venue."
The crowd boos even more loudly, and the other wrestlers grab the ropes and tug them in frustration. One of the Cannibals starts to gnaw on the referee, who pushes him away.
Subpoena continues, "That's right, this match is going to be held in escrow until things are settled. That's because the WWWWWW has a fiduciary duty to us. Unless of course the WWWWWW wants to just give us the belts back. Then I think my partner and I would be willing to let this match proceed tonight as a non-tournament match."
Passed the mike by Subpoena, Verdict nods and says, "I'd be willing to cease our garnishment of this match if this hostile environment of us not having our belts was ended. In fact, if the WWWWWW would like to examine our contract in camera or even on camera, I'd be fine with letting this match proceed on a non-tournament basis while that occurs. In fact, I hope these two teams beat the hell out of each other. That will make it easier for my partner and I to obtain joint custody of our championship again."
Verdict tosses the mike to Subpoena, who says, "As it stands, we have a lien up against the belts because of the malpractice of the WWWWWW. The negligence of the officers of the corporation has caused us to petition this tournament. However, as my partner has stated, if we are allowed to enter the tournament we will as a quid pro quo drop our lawsuit because of our confidence in our ability to quash any other tag team. I mean the WWWWWW should take this offer because if our lawsuit proceeded, well to me it's an obvious case of res ipsa loquitur."
Leaning into the mike still held by Subpoena, Verdict adds, "I agree, and this is our service of process to the WWWWWW. We want the title to our titles back. We suffered an unjust taking. This is a valid claim as per the writ."
The Java Jolter yanks the microphone out of Subpoena's hands, and says in his typical fast, overcaffeinated manner, "I can't understand much of what you're saying with all the legalese you're throwing around, but I think you're complaining about losing your tag team championship, and as a result you want in the tournament. Now I gotta just say I'm just fine with that so my judgment is that I find for you. Let's put you in the tournament. Is that all right with you, ref?"
The referee looks up from the contract, balls it up, and throws it out of the ring, nodding.
The Pettifoggers hug one another in celebration of yet another legal victory.
The Java Jolter looks at the other wrestlers, "Fine, that's settled. Boys, now let's award them some damages."
The other wrestlers charge The Pettifoggers and beat them with their own briefcases. The crowd cheers. Jake decides more lawsuits should be settled this way. It's much more entertaining.
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.
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