Most presidential pets release books aimed at children such as Socks The Clinton Cat Digs Up The White House Rose Garden or Barney The Bush Dog Bites A Reporter, but Chess, Dick's dog, has released a tome on foreign policy called My Struggle where she laments the fact that the cabinet does not listen to her advice on international relations because they are prejudiced against animals.
According to Chess, "Democracy is not a potted plant that can be transplanted in any soil" and the current moves by the cabinet and Congress to end the wars in favor of diplomacy are misguided. Human rights are critical but not strategic, whereas national security is paramount to world peace.
The book is very well-written. Usually dogs have trouble with spelling. When asked at a press conference if Chess had written the book entirely herself, Dick cackled, "She's a very talented canine."
The book is number one on the best sellers list.
When researching this, Francine checks the date to make sure it's not April Fools' Day. She leans back and runs her hand through her short, and newly-dyed red hair, and tries to understand why thousands of people would buy a book on foreign policy by a dog. She's known that right wing books sometimes make the best sellers lists by the means of bulk orders, where one rich conservative sugar daddy or another buys thousands of copies of a book to get it on the charts in hopes of spurring real sales by people who will notice the book now that it's on the charts or just to convince people that his minority viewpoint is more popular than it is.
Heading into the details of how the best sellers list is created is murky at best, but Francine is able to discern that My Struggle's #1 position on the best sellers list can be somewhat traced to a single bookstore in West Virginia's bulk order of several thousand copies. She calls up the bookstore, Undisclosed Location Books, and finds the phone number out of service. The website for the bookstore is fairly cryptic, telling customers to "Drop on in sometime, if you can find us, heh, heh, heh." No address is listed except for West Virginia. If something is rotten in the state of Denmark, then Francine definitely smells something fishy in the state of West Virginia.
She decides that she needs some insider advice on best sellers, and heads over to Apocalypse Books. The store's empty and Francine finds Eve doing yoga near the sociology section. Eve rolls up her mat, and towels off, saying, "Sorry, Dear, it's usually dead this time of day so I squeeze in some exercise. What can I do for you?"
"No worries," Francine says, "I was wondering if you had a copy of the book by Dick's dog."
Eve rolls her eyes, "Unfortunately, yes. If something's on the best sellers list, then people are bound to come in asking about it, so I try to stock it, no matter how repulsive, and a foreign policy book written by a dog is pretty repulsive. This country really is going to the dogs."
Ginsberg, the store cat, brushes up against Francine's leg, requesting a pet. Just as he starts to howl to get her attention, Francine leans over and pets his wild orange fur, and the howl turns into a loud purr. "Yes, Ginsberg, I know this country would be much better off it went to the cats instead," Eve says, "Pet the furry furball and try to make sure he only sheds on the used books, and I'll dig out the Chess book for you."
Eve returns in a moment with a copy of My Struggle and hands it to Francine, saying, "She spells very well for a dog I must say, but her politics are atrocious."
"Have you sold any copies yet?" Francine asks, as she pages through it.
"Um, no," Eve says.
"But it's supposedly the bestselling book in America?"
"Supposedly."
"Could someone manipulate the best sellers list with a bulk order?"
"Oh, yes, it happens all the time, especially with the right wing books."
"So what do they do with all those copies they buy if no one's really reading them?"
Eve shrugs, "Maybe they practice book burnings, or bury them in a big ditch in a billionaire's backyard, or they all end up in mounds in some huge bookstore in Georgia where they gather dust for years and don't sell even when priced at a penny, who knows?"
"Is it possible they don't exist at all?" Francine asks, "Like maybe the company pretends to print them, and the bookstores that place the bulk orders pretend to order them, but everything's faked? Like even if they scan it for the bestseller report, couldn't the scamming store just scan the same copy of the book over and over again?"
"Anything's possible, Dear, but I do know that if you buy this piece of crap book and get it out of my store, I'll throw in the cat as a bonus since he decided to use the business section as his litterbox today."
Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.
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