Blog Love Omega Glee: Yodel For Yahweh Before It's Too Late! (25 March 2012)

The doorbell rings, disrupting a pleasant Sunday afternoon for The Coyote, Francine, and Masani. Masani sighs, sets down her knitting, says "I'll see who it is," and looks out the window.

A man and woman, both nicely-dressed, he in a dark suit and she in a bright dress, stand at the door, holding some books. "I think they're Yahweh Yodelers," Masani says.

"Yes!" Francine says, and pauses the movie she was watching, The Omega Man Returns, and gets up.

"Oh, no, Francine, not again. You torture the poor things. It's like a cat with mice. I want no part of this," Masani says, picking up her knitting, and heading upstairs.

The Coyote gathers up the comics he was reading. He says, "Francine, can you please not bring them in the house this time?"

"Oh, all right, I'll just smoke a cigarette on the porch while I chat with them. Party poopers!" Francine says, and opens the door, while The Coyote disappears into his lair.

"Hello!" say the Yahweh Yodelers, pleased to find someone actually answering the door, after about ten houses in a row where people hid from them or weren't home.

The man says, "I'm Brother John," and the woman says, "I'm Sister Sarah."

"And I'm Francine, who's just headed out on the porch to have a smoke. You guys want one too?" Francine says, as the Yodelers shuffle back on the porch to make room for her as she steps out, closing the door behind her.

"No, thank you," the woman says, while the man says, "We have a pamphlet that can help you quit smoking."

"You want a beer then?" Francine says, as she lights up, looking around outside at the cloudy weather, "It looks like a good day for a beer."

"No, thank you," the woman says, while the man says, "We don't drink alcohol."

"There might be a nonalcoholic beer in the fridge," Francine says, taking a puff, "I think someone left it after a party and no one's ever drank it."

"No, thank you," the woman says, while the man says, "That's all right, we just came to talk with you about Yahweh and why we Yodel for Him."

"Well, it's kind of chilly out here, so I'll probably only be out here for the time it takes me to finish this cigarette," Francine holds the cigarette up, "Do you have a brochure or something you could leave?"

The woman hands Francine a copy of a booklet called The Yodeler. On the cover is a scared white family huddled together looking off into the distance, and the caption reads, "WHAT IS ARMAGEDDON?"

Francine points at the books the Yodelers carry, "What about those?"

"Oh, these are free too, but you have to give us a donation," the woman says.

"How are they free, if I have to give you a donation to get one?" Francine asks.

"They're thank you gifts for the donation," the man says.

"Ah," Francine says, then blows some smoke out through her nostrils, trying to look Satanic.

"You can keep the brochure, but we'll also tell you about why we believe the end is coming soon, and people need to repent their wicked ways," the man says.

"Like smoking," the woman says quietly.

"Well, smoking is probably bad for my health, I'll admit, but where in The Bible does it say it's a sin to smoke?"

The man and woman look at one another, and the man says, "Well, the body is a temple, and smoking violates it."

Francine shakes her left index finger at them, and says, "Well, churches burn incense some times, so smoking is kind of like that to my body, but you know there is maybe something you can tell me. You guys know The Bible pretty well, right?"

The Yodelers nod, and even let out a mini-yodel.

"So," Francine continues, "You know how God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for their sinful ways?"

The yodelers nod and Francine holds up her cigarette, "Maybe they smoked. But anyway, whatever they did, God didn't like it so he destroyed them. And only Lot and his family survived, but Lot's wife looked back after God told them not to and she turned into a pillar of salt."

"That's what you get for not listening to God," the man says looking at the woman, who looks down, but nods.

"Well, but what about what happens afterwards when Lot's daughters get Lot drunk and have sex with him and then both get pregnant by him, their father? God doesn't strike them or Lot down. Why's that?"

The man and woman look at one another, and the man says, "Well, that's because it was God's will to continue the family line and the wife was gone, so that was OK."

"God's will, huh?" Francine sniffs the air, "That smells more to me like man's bullshit."

The man and woman start to yodel, and back away from Francine, who steps forward, cigarette first. "You know what I think. I think your Bible is a bunch of old stories, some of which are pretty cool and some of which are pretty boring, but it was written by a bunch of people, and not God. And, some of it made sense living at that time, but it doesn't so much today. And, in most cases, it's trying to scare people so they can be controlled. How much do you guys give to your church every week, huh? Isn't that why they're sending you out on the streets like this to round up more suckers? You prey on people's fears of the unknown, and that, my friends . . ." Francine pauses, putting out her cigarette and getting the door open to go back inside, ". . . that is a fucking sin. Have a nice day, but please don't bother us again."

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.