Blog Love Omega Glee: Napoleon Invades The Grocery Store (27 March 2012)

The soldiers roll the cannon through the produce section in Francine's dream. A Napoleonic army has invaded the grocery store in a war on high prices. Napoleon himself sniffs the cheese, between commands to his armed forces. Soldiers in bicornes and greatcoats charge the rest of the dairy section with bayonets, while terrified grocery store workers flee. An officer puts on a fur hat in the frozen section and yells something in French that seems to translate to "Watch it with the bayonets! Only gut the yogurts past their expiration date!"

Joyful infantry pop open bottles of champagne and clink them together in a toast to their victory over the rising cost of food. The groceries have been freed and everything is free! Next they will go after rising energy prices, and, finally, core inflation! In the bakery, Napoleon is very pleased to find some napoleon pastries and offers one to Francine, just as she wakes.

Later that day, she types up what she remembers of her dream and posts it on her blog, asking if anyone knew if this was a commercial or something that she might have seen at one point. She couldn't dig up anything online, but she trusts in the collective wisdom, or at least mastery of popular culture trivia, of her readers. The comments pages quickly fill up.

"Kung Fu Kit Karson" comments, "Nope, don't remember seeing this, and I think I've seen every commercial on television since 1993. I usually visit the bathroom during the actual shows, since the commercials are usually better-written."

"Bessy From Boston" comments, "I wish Napoleon would invade my local grocer. Their high prices have forced me into my own budget Waterloo. These days, I heart generic!"

"The End Is Vi" comments, "When are you going to expose the conspiracy between the government and the mafia to keep cocaine out of Coca-Cola? I'm tired of having to make my own. Bring back the real Classic Coke!"

"God Willing And The Creek Don't Rise" comments, "According to Nostradamus, Napoleon was the first Antichrist. Hitler was the second. Who do you think the third is?"

"Discount Drug Deals" spams, "Hey guys! I just got a great deal on Viagra, Lexapro, Pabstu, Oxycotin, Doctorstodayarenothingbutpillpushers, and other popular prescription drugs. You can too! Just click here."

"Bessy From Boston" comments, "God Willing, I thought there was only one Antichrist. Why did Nostradamus think there were three. Isn't one enough?"

"The End Is Vi" comments, "I wish we could edit these comments. I didn't mean to write 'I'm tired of making my own'. That was another post I was writing about aluminum underwear."

"Kung Fu Kit Karson" comments, "Dick is the Antichrist! Did you see the scene he put on in his visit to the temple in Jerusalem today?"

"Dialup Still Rocks!" comments, "I think I saw a commercial about Napoleon endorsing frozen French bread pizza once, but I never saw him in a grocery store ad. I think you dreamed it up. Why I don't know, but I can recommend a good psychoanalyst. Not having broadband allows me to splurge on things like therapy."

"Bessy From Boston" comments, "'Another post' you were writing? Yeah, right, Vi! It's supposed to be 'the pause that refreshes' though not 'the pause that gets you arrested'!"

"Kung Fu Kit Karson" comments, "Francine, can you ban Discount Drug Deals? I hate post spammers!"

"Antichrist Ron" comments, "I am the third Antichrist! Ha Ha Ha! Seriously though folks, I think we're in the middle of the tribulation. If you haven't accepted Christ yet, then you'd better hurry up or you're in trouble. Please note that I'm stressfree, but I do worry about some of you. As for Dick, that's possible, remember, he did miraculously survive a wound to his head!"

"Bessy From Boston" comments, "Oh, no, the nutty Christians are back, I'm out of here! It's bad enough they're running the government and ruining the country, do they have to ruin the Internet too? What country does God want us to invade today, folks?"

"Kung Fu Kit Karson" comments, "You know why it wasn't Jesus, but Napoleon who invaded the grocery store to fight high prices? Because Jesus didn't have to since he always saves."

"Dialup Still Rocks!" comments, "Kit, you like to watch commercials? I can't stand them. It's why I never watch television anymore. Well, that and I don't have cable so when the broadcast went all digital a couple of years ago, instead of buying a converter box or new tv, I've just used the television as a plant stand and to watch videotapes on. I have a DVD player too, but I haven't hooked it up yet."

"Antichrist Ron" comments, "You won't be laughing when the rapture comes, and I'm gone, and you all will be scrounging for food and bowing to the Antichrist."

"Francine" comments, "Thanks everybody. It must have just been a nutty dream. I hope Napoleon and his army go after spammers next though. Getting rid of them would be a dream. As for the Antichrist, I don't know if I can buy that whole mythology, but there sure are a whole lot of people nowadays, including a lot of those who call themselves Christians, who act more like him than like Christ. Say, why's the Antichrist always thought to be male? It could be a woman. Let's not be sexist even in our prophecy hysteria."

"Antichrist Ron" comments, "The Antichrist has to be male because a female is the Whore of Babylon."

"Francine" comments, "Thanks for clearing that up, Ron!"

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.