Blog Love Omega Glee: Don't Submit, Organize! (24 March 2012)

Sir Mulberry Bush opens up this week's edition of Grapple Groove. Clanking out in his armored suit, which takes him about five minutes to get out of before he can wrestle a match, yon gentle yet ferocious knight shaketh the hands of all the fans who line the entrance ramp as he maketh his way down the ring. Clank, clank, clank goes the metal steps as he climbs his way into the ring. His squire, an albino midget, dressed in a red and green medieval fool's outfit, complete with a fool's cap with dangling balls--one that says "S", one that says "M", and one that says "B"--from its three peaks bounces before him and holds apart the ropes, so the heavily metaled knight can squeeze through them into the ring. The Squire dutifully runs over a microphone to Sir Mulberry, who holds up his hand in a combination wave and benediction to thank him. "Did you feed my steed already, loyal Ted?" SMB says.

Ted nods. No one has ever seen Sir Mulberry on his horse, Ringaround. The wrestling company can't afford it, so they just show stock footage of a horse on the video screens and claim he rides it to the entrance ramp. They've talked about having him ride a horse to the ring at Grapplelution, the year's biggest show, but Sir Mulberry keeps nixing the idea because he's allergic to horses anyway, plus he's terrified that he'll fall off the horse due to the weight of his armor. "Good," the knight says, "Well, stay close in case I need you to take off my armor for a match."

Ted scampers out of the ring and the crowd cheers. The camera zooms in on a wrestling fan in the audience holding up a sign that says, "Squire Fire: Give Ted A Championship Shot!" Ted sees the sign and gives the fan a thumb's up, then takes a seat at the announcer table besides Felix Fatality, who pats him on the head like a pet, and whose hand is about the size of Ted's head. Seemingly offended Ted jumps up and lands in fighting mode holding his fists like a 19th century bare-knuckled boxer, then he and Fatality break out laughing, hug, and Ted takes his seat again.

SMB looks around and smiles at the crowd. He's just about to discourse with ye audience, when police sirens boom through the loudspeakers. He lowers the microphone and frowns. The sirens are replaced by 1998 era nu metal rap rock riffage and beats, and out comes The Pamphleteer. Dressed all in black and carrying a bike messenger bag filled with pamphlets, The Pamphleteer distributes pamphlets on his way down to the ring, walking as best he can in tight jeans that probably came from the women's department. The fans boo and many who get pamphlets drop them on the ground. Grapple Groove's resident radical reaches the ring.

There, The Pamphleteer pulls a microphone out of his bag, and says, "You've all been applauding this knight. You think he's so noble-hearted. What you don't know is the truth!"

He picks up a pamphlet and holds it in the air, "It's all in my latest pamphlet. A knight is just a thug employed by the king to oppress the peasants!"

SMB dismisses The Pamphleteer by raising his arms and dropping them in a wave, as if trying to ward off a horrendous stench. The crowd boos.

The Pamphleteer shakes his head, and points at the crowd, then he spins around continuing to point, "I don't understand why you cheer those who oppress you and boo those who are trying to help you. It's like you want to be brainwashed!"

The crowd boos more, but The Pamphleteer, seemingly enraged, stops spinning and paces back and forth across the ring, continuing to soapbox, "And you should know, he plays the same role outside of the armor. In the locker room, he's the enforcer for the company's management, and he's been harassing me because I've been trying to unionize the wrestlers!"

Sir Mulberry turns towards a camera operator and frantically moves his right index finger back and forth across his throat as if cutting it.

The Pamphleteer continues. He holds up a hand and raises a finger with each point he raises, "We have no retirement plan! We have no long-term disability and health care insurance! We're subject to dismissal at anytime! We have to work when we're injured! In fact, the reason we're doing this lame skit right now instead of wrestling is because Sir Mulberry himself can barely move from a herniated disc in his back!"

The screen goes black, and a sign saying "Technical Difficulties" appears. When Grapple Groove, which is taped live, returns The Pamphleteer and Sir Mulberry have disappeared, Ted is no longer sitting next to Fatality, and The Slam Poet is in the middle of a match against J.M. Willie. "Uh, sorry about those technical difficulties folks," Fatality says, "But I think we have them worked out now."

"Nooooo!" yells The Pamphleteer as he runs into the ring, his tight women's jeans torn and split, and pamphlets spilling everywhere. He's pursued by security personnel, and some wrestlers from the locker room, with Sir Mulberry clanking slowly behind everyone else in the pursuit.

The Pamphleteer snatches a microphone from Fatality's hand, and yells, "Let's have a sitdown strike in the ring!"

The technical difficulties sign appears again. When it doesn't disappear after a few minutes, Jake turns off the television.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.