Blog Love Omega Glee: Asteroid Strikes Earth! Ends Civilization! More News After This Commercial! (1 April 2012)

The lead headline on the news ticker on Francine's blog says, "Asteroid Strikes Earth!" so she clicks on it, and the article reads:
"INTERCOURSE, Penn. - A huge asteroid struck Earth today, ending human civilization. The 10-mile across spaceball landed in Lake Eerie, generating a force equivalent to what one scientist described as 'a shitload of nuclear weapons, which is probably only slightly smaller than the shitload in the back of my pants right now.' The impact caused a chain effect tsunami across the Great Lakes spreading into the world's oceans which drowned most coastal communities worldwide, including thankfully Cleaveland, Ohio. The impact also triggered shock waves on land, causing earthquakes and tremors worldwide. Cities instantly became deathtraps as buildings and streets collapsed. Fortunately, the Cleaveland Caucasians said they were planning to build a new stadium anyway, and opening day next week for the new baseball season should not be affected. 'Quite honestly,' manager Spartacus Spitball said, 'A disaster like this pales in comparison to when we had to forfeit a playoff game because the team had food poisoning. I told them to skip the salad bar that day, but do they ever listen to me?'"

There's an advertisement for season tickets for the Caucasians, then the article continues, "The impact also sent a substantial portion of the lakebed into the atmosphere, blocking the sun for a substantial area around Lake Eerie. Most Cleaveland residents just assumed it was another cloudy day and didn't notice until pieces of the debris now on fire from traveling through compressed and heated air in front of them landed, causing fires on the surface. A firestorm also burned in the atmosphere when huge amounts of methane gas released from the lakebeds and seabeds were ignited by lightning. This storm spread worldwide to incinerate everything on the surface not already set on fire by the flaming debris. This also consumed most of the oxygen in the atmosphere, and increased the amount of carbon dioxide, further contributing to global warming. Al Gore, reached for a statement moments before combusting, said, 'I always told people time was running out to deal with this problem. Now it looks like that day of reckoning is WHOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AIEEEEII!!!!'"

There's an advertisement for new compact energy-saving fluorescent lightbulbs by General Electric.

The dust, soot, smog, and good old-fashioned air pollution (the last not a product of the asteroid's impact) blocking the sun worldwide are expected to last for many months, producing acid rain and freezing temperatures, ending photosynthesis and guaranteeing that any form of life beyond the microscopic who survived the initial disaster will perish. Survivalist Marge Moosehunter, reached at her fortified compound in Alaska, commented, 'I really thought I'd outlast the rest of y'all. This is quite a disappointment. I can't tell you how sick I am of eating moose burgers and boxes of macaroni and cheese. Homeschooling these brats has also really taken a toll on me. I've got three of them tied up right now since timeouts only worked for so long. Well, I suppose it's what the Lord wants. Still, I'm surprised Jesus hasn't arrived yet.'"

There's an advertisement for Millions Megachurch--"Find out how God wants to make you rich, this Sunday in preacher Brad Bilkers's sermon. Afterwards fireworks and free Jesus bobbleheads for the kids*. *Bobbleheads are thank yous for minimum $20 donation each."--then the article concludes, "Scientists had expected the asteroid to arrive in the earth's vicinity on December 21, which some doomsday experts interpreted as predicted by the Mayan calendar which ends on that day. Scientist Thomas T. Square issued a public apology for forgetting to round a 4 in the calculations, saying, 'Look, so I was a little hungover that day, and the asteroid turned out to arrive earlier than we expected, is a little bigger, and a direct strike instead of narrowly missing us. It's not like we could really have sent Bruce Willis out with a nuclear bomb and done anything about it anyway. You people watch too many movies. I need another drink. Maybe if people in this country weren't so damned superstitious and anti-scientific we would have had more research funding from the government and invented a wonder weapon. Instead you kept on debating whether Darwin was right about evolution. For the record, he was. Nature has apparently selected us for extinction. Goodbye.'"

Francine wonders if the article is from The Onion, but it's actually on the front page of The Cleaveland Advertiser, the city's sole remaining daily newspaper, though most people read it online rather than on paper anymore. She does start to feel a tad worried for a moment, then she remembers the date.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.