Blog Love Omega Glee: Solicitors Blues (10 March 2012)

Jake's dad has a small sign up on the front door, which reads, "No Solicitors! Please! That probably means you in case you're wondering. If you really want me to buy your candy, hear about your political cause, convert to your religion, etc., then please leave your name, home address, and home phone number in the mailbox, and maybe I'll come visit you at my convenience. Have a wonderful day!"

Of course, no solicitor ever bothers to read the sign. They just ring the doorbell automatically and look around the porch bored.

Jake's dad has just settled in on the recliner for a nice Saturday afternoon watching television. Jake is asleep upstairs, recovering from his overnight disc jockey shift and Jake's mom is out shopping, so the house is quiet except for the blare of the television, which to Jake's dad is the equivalent of aural manna from heaven.

The doorbell rings.

Jake's dad sighs. He pulls the lever to straighten up the recliner and gets up. He looks out the window. An older man is standing out there holding a clipboard. Jake's dad thinks it's probably a solicitor, but the clipboard delivers enough of a whiff of official business that he decides to open the door in case it actually is important.

"Hello, sir! I'm canvassing to get signatures for a petition to have a recount of the recent election. As you probably know, Senator Poorpeople doesn't think the election was up to snuff," the man says.

Jake's dad points at the "No Solicitors!" sign on the door.

The man looks and says, "Oh, I'm not selling anything, sir! This recount is important for our democracy. Although if you did have some money to donate for the cause that would be great. Our recount effort is very expensive . . ."

Jake's dad shuts the door and goes back to the recliner. About an hour later, the doorbell rings again.

Jake's dad gets up and tiptoes to the window, glancing out it and trying not to be seen. Two well-dressed young women are at the door. They hold books and pamphlets. Jake's dad can just make out the title of one of them. It reads "Yodeling for Yahweh Songbook".

Yahweh Yodelers! Jake's dad slides away from the window and pushes up against the back of the wall, praying they didn't hear or see him.

The doorbell rings again. "I thought I heard somebody," Jake's dad can hear one of them say from near the window.

One of the cats, Rudy, approaches the window. It jumps on the back of a chair and looks out at the Yodelers. It meows at them. "Oh, look a cat! It's so cute," the Yodelers say.

Jake's dad waves at the cat to get off the chair. It looks at him and meows. "What's it looking at?" one of the Yodelers says.

"Maybe we should yodel for the cat?"

"No, that's forbidden. It's in Leviticus 28. Just leave a brochure in the screen door."

"Bye, kitty!"

Jake's dad can hear footsteps going down the porch steps. He waits, then peeks out the window. He sees the women at the next house. They start to yodel. It gets quiet, but he waits a few minutes more, then peeks again, and sees the women down the block, returning to their car, meeting up with other Yodelers. Satisfied he's free of Yodelers, he goes back to the recliner and sits down.

Just then, the doorbell rings. Jake's dad forcefully pulls the lever to straighten up the recliner, and stomps to the door. He doesn't bother looking out the window. He throws open the door to find a young man in a suit holding a set of knives.

"Why hello, sir! How are you today?"

"Those knives. How are they at cutting human flesh?" Jake's dad asks.

"Wow! I've never been asked that before. I don't know really, but they're wonderful knives, handy in the kitchen, the workshop, wherever you need them. I can give you a demonstration if you want."

"Just give me a knife and I'll give you a demonstration on what happens to people who don't read before they ring the doorbell," Jake's dad says, his eyes wide, pointing to the sign.

The solicitor glances at the sign, and says, "Oh, sorry, sir, I'll just be going. But these are really nice knives. If you change your mind, I'll be happy to give you a demonstration."

"Never mind, I'll just get a knife of my own, and give you a demonstration," Jake's dad says, disappearing into the house.

When he returns with the largest knife he can find from the kitchen, the solicitor's gone.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.