Blog Love Omega Glee: The President Vs. Poorpeople (17 February 2012)

Republican candidates for president keep dropping like pants at a nudist colony. The frontrunner, a "maverick" governor, perished in the type of tragic and mysterious plane crash that seems to happen only to politicians running in close elections. Another candidate, a billionaire, developed hideous boils on his face seemingly overnight, which he blamed on being poisoned, and suspended his campaign. Several other candidates dropped out of the race, when the president decided to run for reelection, er, election, and sucked up all the remaining donor money in the primaries. The libertarian and constitutionalist candidates limp along, but they're ignored by mainstream media outlets since mainstream media considers them "not viable" (though the only reason they're considered "not viable" is because mainstream media seldom mentions them so most voters have never even heard of them or their ideas). For the latest debate, only two candidates have been invited: the president and Sen. Rob Poorpeople of Ohio.

Francine watches the highly scripted debate in which complex government policy decisions and the reasoning behind them must be stated in two minutes or less before it's time for another commercial. The debate itself is sponsored by Goebbels-Tree Brewing, and could drive most nondrinkers to reach for a beer, though, one hopes, not one of GT's terrible, watered-down ones.

Tim Rustle, the corporate suckup picked to moderate the debate, quickly chugs a Zurp Beer to show his working class cred, burps, then asks another "hardhitting" question: "Mr. President, Sen. Poorpeople has asked why you don't kiss and bow down to the flag before every public appearance like the Senator does. You haven't yet answered him, so I hope tonight, in this very arena, you will answer me when I ask the same question smile."

He stops and stares at the teleprompter in front of him, "Uh, I wasn't supposed to say the 'smile' part so never mind that. Can we rerecord this part?"

A production assistant runs onstage, and whispers something inaudible in Rustle's ear. Rustle whispers back to her, but his microphone picks up what he's saying, "Oh, that's right, we're live, I must have had too many Zurps. Sorry."

The production assistant runs off-stage, while Rustle mutters to himself, "I don't know why my corporate masters have to stick cues in my talking points still. I've been doing this for twenty years. I know what I'm doing."

Rustle turns and faces the camera, "Sorry, folks, technical difficulties, you know like when your grandfather tries to use the computer. Live television is charming and heartwarming like that. Anyway, Mr. President, why don't you kiss and bow down to the flag before every public appearance?"

The president smirks, "Well, Tim, it's pretty hard to bow when you have a vending machine for a body. I would have thought that would have been obvious to the senator, but I suppose I was giving his intellect too much credit. I do object to his questioning of my patriotism though. I'll have him know I have cheered this country on in every war and Olympic games in my lifetime. What I'd like to ask the senator is, if he's such a great patriot, then why did he publicly cheer for Italy in the 2006 World Cup?"

The senator taking a sip of water, does a spittake, spilling water on the podium. He wipes it up with his red power tie, while sputtering, "What? Why? That's really unbelievable. The U.S. team was already knocked out, or, of course, I would have cheered for them. As for why I cheered for Italy in the World Cup Final over France, well, basically there's more dagoes in Ohio than frogs, er, more people of Italian ancestry than people of French ancestry in Ohio, and that's how you win at politics. You would know that if you ever actually had to win an election fair and square. Anyway Tim, I think the President's explanation of his treatment of the flag is pretty lacking. Even if he can't bow, he can still kiss it. Like his presidency, his explanation is a bunch of crap."

The president wheels himself sideways and glares at his opponent. "No, sir, this is crap!" he says, and lifts one of his noodly, vacuum cleaner attachmentlike appendages, points it at Poorpeople and sprays him with dog poop.

Democracy has descended even further into a bad vaudeville act. As people in the audience gasp, Poorpeople falls over behind his podium, and Poorpeople's campaign staff rush to his aid, the president sets his dog, Chess, on the podium. "Isn't that dog cute? Sorry I pressed the wrong button Senator. I only meant to blow out some hot air to match yours."

The president wheels away from the podium, and starts to spray money into the crowd from his other appendage, and then shoots out cans of Zurp Beer from his midsection, "Here, enjoy some early Economic Stimulus Payments and some Zurp! Ha! Poorpeople can't do that, can he? Stick with Dick!"

The last thing Francine sees is Tim Rustle diving from his moderator's chair for some of the cash before the debate cuts to another commercial.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.