Blog Love Omega Glee: Of Rulers And Rulers (12 February 2012)

It must be a sweeps month, when television ratings are even more important than usual in setting advertising rates, so stations and networks try to round up viewers by providing even more lurid programming bait than usual. For wrestling, this results in a storyline over two wrestlers arguing over whose penis is bigger, which would be more shocking, except most wrestling watchers know that much of wrestling's feuds have always more or less boiled down to such male fighting over territory, mates, or, when taken in tandem, fertility in general. For that matter, you can analyze most of history and politics using this lens and it starts to be more coherent. What after all are presidential debates over which candidate will better stimulate the economy but arguments over which candidate is the most fertile? The question whether so and so is too old to be president usually translates to "Can he still get it up?" Male presidential candidates like to exercise publicly so they can demonstrate their virility to the electorate. While many voters pretend to thoughtfully analyze policy proposals, in reality libido usually overwhelms reason, and most people vote about which candidate they'd most like to make sweet, sweet love with, explaining this country's decadeslong loser streak of presidents (Oh, c'mon you never dated someone you shouldn't have? The only difference between a bad one night stand and a bad president is that you're stuck with the president for another 1460 nights). Furthermore, what is an arms race but an argument over which country's leader has the bigger cannon, bigger missile, bigger rifle, bigger sword? The public speeches about wars may gloss over the root of the matter with fancy language about territorial integrity (don't touch my woman/man), and spreading democracy and freedom (spreading seed/having offspring), but don't be fooled. Wrestling just does away with the surface trappings and gets to the heart of things. However, seldom does wrestling even get this explicit, so as Jake watches the rest of the broadcast he recorded last night, he realizes that The Panty Sniffer looks wholesome in comparison.

B.O. Johnson (standing in the ring with a microphone, facing his ex-valet/girlfriend, H.C. Beaver, and his opponent, J.M. Willie, whom she is now working for/dating): You know they don't even make jockstraps my size? I have to go get them tailormade!

J.M. (standing in the ring with his arm around H.C., and holding a microphone of his own): That's not what H.C. told me! She said you still wore the one you used in little league!

B.O.: Very funny. Laugh it up J.M. (He points at H.C.) But you're the one who's using my old stuff!

J.M. (growls and stomps while H.C. puts both of her hands to her face and opens her mouth in shock): Just watch what you say about my woman! And I know how we can settle this! Let's just measure them! Let's have a contest!

B.O. (paces the ring a bit, thinking): OK, all right, let's have a contest. But I'll tell you what. You better bring a rooster! Because let's face it J.M., otherwise you have no cock!

J.M. (throwing his hands in the air along with the microphone. H.C. picks it up and hands it to him): I'll have you know that I used a peter meter from a porn magazine once and I was a nymph's delight!

B.O.: Let's not bring your mother into this.

J.M.: Why you! (He drops the microphone and launches himself at B.O. The two roll around the ring punching one another in the groin, while H.C. gets out of the ring.)

The announcers note that next week's Grapple Groove will have a special "Measure Match" between B.O. and J.M.

Jake thinks that he'll skip that episode.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.