Blog Love Omega Glee: The State Of The Union (24 January 2012)

Since the "incident", the president hasn't appeared on television often so Francine tunes in for the State of the Union address. The president rolls up to the podium, his square body (reportedly the hotel sodapop vending machine they used to keep his head alive after it was decapitated by the sharpened serving tray hurled with deadly accuracy by an Iranian Sufi assassin disguised as a waiter) is painted as a suit the colors of the American flag: red tie, blue suit, and white shirt. He wears a cowboy hat and his head sits on top of the machine with his usual scowling sneer, and for arms the military robotics experts have equipped him with two spindly appendages that resemble vacuum cleaner hoses. He raises one of the hoses to quiet the deafening applause, though Francine notices that not many people in the audience were actually applauding. "Taped applause?" she thinks, "It did sound more like the clapping for a rock concert than the clapping for a speech."

The president's robotic wheels inch him closer to the podium. He's about to begin his speech when his left arm spasms and knocks over the transparent teleprompter on the left side. The vice-president comes and picks it off the ground for him. He nods to her in thanks, and starts, "Mister Speaker, Vice-President Clinton, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens, it's been several years now since the previous President choked to death on a pretzel, I became President, canceled the 2008 election, and declared martial law. I have to say I think we'd all agree that things have worked out pretty well for the country since then. We've brought freedom to Iran, Korea, Pakistan, and Venezuela, as well as kept freedom's flame burning high in Afghanistan and Iraq. Our prosperity at home has never been equaled. Personally, I know that I made more money last year than ever before. So much so that I'd like to share some with you right now."

Whooshhh! Dollar bills shoot out of the president's right arm, and cascade over the audience. Members of congress climb over one another to clutch at the money. The president continues, ignoring the chaos below, "And, for those viewers at home, I will send you each a check for a hundred dollars. You just have to sign a 'Stick with Dick' loyalty oath, and note any suspicious activity your neighbors engage in on the back and efile it or mail it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20500 Attn: Lynne. Now, even though we're still in a time of war and national emergency, I was planning on retiring this year, and letting the 2012 election continue. But my friends at Halliburton have told me that they can keep my head from rotting out for at least four more years, so I have decided to run as a candidate for both the Democratic and Republican nominations for President. I know this is a late entry into the campaign, but I think our democratic republic will benefit from more choices. Besides if people aren't responsible enough to make the right decisions then we'll have to make it for them. And, if the magic of the marketplace works like I think it will, I look forward to giving you three more State of the Union addresses and finally an Inaugural address. As for this year's State of the Union, the state of the union is that it's fine, don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything, just go about your business; if you're having trouble economically, sell your personal belongings on eBay or something. For Congress, I'd like to ask that you continue to be spineless and let me get whatever I want, recognizing my infinite wisdom. I would like more money for the military--we can't let our brave men and women down after all--and I'd like you to cut income taxes on the top 1% to 1%. Now if you'll join me in a chant of "USA" to conclude, I'll shoot out some cans of ice-cold delicious Poca-Cola into the audience. So, as my dear friend and fallen comrade, the previous President was fond of saying, 'So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power, and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. God bless America'."

The president moves backwards from the podium, rotates to the left, and cans of Poca-Cola shoot as if from a cannon from just under where his red tie ends. Some of them splatter against the upper balcony. Deafening applause begins, but yet again Francine can't see anyone actually clapping except the vice-president, though some members of congress are hitting each other while struggling to pick up the remaining money the president shot out from his noodly arm earlier.

A graphic comes over the screen that says "Since this is a national unity government, there will be no opposing party response to the State of the Union. The President's Annual State of the Union Address is sponsored by Halliburton and Poca-Cola."

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.