Blog Love Omega Glee: The Litterbox Blues (26 January 2012)

"I'm getting tired of this shit!" Jake hears his dad yell from downstairs, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Jake thinks that Dad must be yelling at the television about politics again, and goes back to reading other wrestling blogs. "Jake!" Dad yells from downstairs.

Jake sighs and goes downstairs. The television's on but his dad isn't watching it. Instead, he's standing in front of the bathroom yelling at the cats: Monique, a gray tiger with white paws, and Rudy, a smaller black cat. Dad is shaking a rolled-up newspaper at the cats threateningly, but they think he is playing so they take turns jumping and batting at it. Dad points at Monique, "This one never covers her poops in the litterbox and stinks up the entire house," and then Rudy, "And this one at least covers, but digs a hole to China while doing so and spills half of the litter on the floor."

"Um, they've always done that. I'm just happy they go in the boxes."

"Ach, you're settling for mediocrity. I just read an article about a cat that goes in the toilet and even knows how to flush, so we're going to train these cats to use the toilet like the rest of this household."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Dad."

"Poppycock! Your mother and I trained you how to use the toilet so you and I will train these cats how to use it."

"If you and Mom trained me, why don't you and Mom . . ."

"I want no part of this!" Jake's mom yells from the study.

"OK then, what do we do?" Jake says.

"First of all, take one of these two litterboxes out of here. There's three humans in this house, but you don't see three toilets in the bathroom, do you? So these two cats only need one litterbox."

Jake knows this is going to end badly, but he follows his dad's instructions. He's learned over the years that it's the easiest path to take because once his dad gets a bad idea in his head, a disaster is unavoidable, and if Jake has just followed orders, then some other goat gets scaped when blametime comes. After the litterbox is removed, Dad takes a metal bowl, dumps some litter in it, and places it in the toilet under the seat. He picks up Monique. She meows. He tries to set her down on the toilet seat, but her legs all stretch out too far and her claws and paws keep scuttling off it. Jake's dad bends over and keeps trying to get her balanced on the seat. Terrified, she runs onto his back, where she sits. "Jake, get the cat off my back so I can get up," Dad says.

Jake picks Monique off, but Rudy jumps up onto Dad's back. "Jake, I thought I told you to take the cat off my back," Dad says, staring into the toilet.

"I did, but Rudy jumped up there," Jake says, picking Rudy up.

Dad stands up, "OK, we'll try it with the smaller one, I guess."

When they place her on the toilet seat, Rudy scrambles like a crab and slides off into the metal bowl. She bats at the litter. Then she starts to dig. She kicks all the litter out of the bowl onto Dad and Jake, from where it rolls down to the floor. Dad points at the bowl, "No, cat, leave the litter in the bowl."

"Meow?" Rudy says.

"Meow!" Dad says, bending over and scooping up the litter and putting it back in the bowl.

Rudy runs onto his back. "Jake, get the cat off my back!"

Jake takes Rudy off Dad's back. Monique jumps on.

"Jake, get the cat off my back. I have to stand up before I pull a muscle," Dad says, starting to stand up.

Before Jake can get a hold on Monique she's used her claws to climb up Dad's back and is now wrapped around his shoulders as he stands. She puts her front paws on top of his head and looks around. "Jake, get the cat off my head," he says, "Ow! Watch the claws!"

Before Jake can get her down, Monique has jumped down into the toilet bowl, spilling the litter everywhere again. She jumps out and runs out of the room. Rudy follows, chasing her.

"Well, that was a good start I think," Dad says, "They both got in the bowl anyway. We'll clean up this litter and then that's enough for today. Don't forget to take the bowl out when you use the toilet, and if you forget, don't forget to cover."

Blog Love Omega Gleee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.