Blog Love Omega Glee: A Coffeehouse Conversation About The President's Dentist (15 January 2012)

"So who are you going to vote for to be president, Larry?"

Jake looks up from reading, recognizing the voice behind him. Terror grips his large intestine and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"Ah, it doesn't matter, Tom. They're all the same."

Jake recognizes the second voice too. Whenever he goes to Caffeine Eden to escape his parents (tonight they were arguing about which one of them gave Jake the genetic traits that made him unemployable), he seems to end up near Larry and Tom, a pair of old men who have loud conversations about various conspiracy theories.

"They're not all the same. That's like saying, pick a woman, any woman, and marry her because they're all the same. Are you really telling me your life would have been the same if you married someone other than Trudy? Or if one person gets hired instead of another person for a job, and then you have to work alongside that person, aren't there some people you would rather work with than others? Everyone's different," Tom says.

"Yes, yes, yes, but politicians, especially presidential candidates, are all the same. They promise the moon, and then once they're in office maybe they give you a MoonPie if you're lucky. In any case, even if the candidate who gets elected is a good one, it doesn't matter because as soon as that candidate gets in, the real people in charge take control," Larry says.

"And, who are the real people in charge?"

Jake feels eyes on his back. He pretends to go back to reading his book. Larry's voice continues in a whisper, "The dentists."

"The dentists!?" Tom says loudly.

"That's right, but be quiet, they could be listening. What happens is after the president takes office, the sinister secret society of dentistry conspire to give the president a toothache. When the president visits the presidential dentist they knock the president out and implant a mobile molar."

"A mobile molar? What's that?"

"It's a tooth implant that picks up radio signals. In the signals the dentists start telling the president what to do. Only the president can hear the voices. They travel from the implant up the jaw to the ear. At first, the president thinks he's going crazy, but being the president, that individual is going to hide the voices from everyone else. After a few days of nonstop sounds in his mouth, the president will do anything the dentists want as long as they stop the sounds because the sounds can be pure torture."

"What sort of sounds do they use?"

"Oh, you know, stuff that's real annoying. Dental drills. Those awful soft rock songs they play in dental offices. Conversations between dental assistants about what they did the night before."

"That would drive me batty. How'd you find this out?"

"My brother's a dentist. He told me on his deathbed. He was pretty high up in the ADA."

"The American Dental Association?"

"Sort of, except its real name is Always Deny Ascendancy. They like to keep their rule secret. They're very subtle about things. It saves them getting complaints about the direction the country's headed in. They get enough complaints about bleeding gums and stuff in their regular practices. My brother was 31st degree. Each degree's numbered for the number of teeth in the mouth, so he was pretty high. He was a third molar and once you're at the wisdom teeth level you get to start telling the president what to do. He said it all started when they got tired of no one listening when they told people to brush and floss regularly. So they decided to grab the bully pulpit of the presidency by the roots and force people to listen."

"There is a cavity growing on the presidency. I never imagined."

"Well, don't tell anybody. I have to go in for a dental exam soon and I don't want to disappear."

Jake disappears. Listening to Larry and Tom makes his teeth ache.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.