Blog Love Omega Glee: The Cannibal Cookbook (3 January 2012)

As a result of doing a blog, strange missives arrive in email or on the comments of a blogpost for Jake. Today brings The Cannibal Cookbook. On the comments section of yesterday's post about The Cannibals tag team, someone calling herself or himself "The Cannibal Chef" has written, "Great post! I hadn't heard about these guys but will check them out. All too often cannibals get a bad rep in the media so it's nice to see some of us not being discriminated against. I hope they win the belts too!"

Jake is happy someone is actually reading his blog, but disturbed that it is apparently someone who asks "Who's for dinner?" and not "What's for dinner?" on a nightly basis. He hopes it is a joke by his sister. She sometimes reads his blog and posts fake comments on it just to rib him. He clicks on the link to the cannibal's website, The Cannibal Cookbook, and realizes that no, it isn't his sister who left the comment.

The Cannibal Cookbook might be a joke, but it might be serious. Jake can't tell. There's an editorial complaining about cannibals being compared to poverty pimps because both "eat their own." The Cannibal Chef vehemently complains that the comparison is unfair because rich people are much more nutritious to eat than poor people, so a cannibal would never prey on the poor like a poverty pimp does.

Another article proposes cannibalism as the solution to both overpopulation and world starvation, and argues that the United Nations should implement Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" on a worldwide basis.

Yet another article argues that cannibalism is environmentally-friendly, and is a post-vegan lifestyle that preserves the dignity of animals and vegetables alike. As a sidenote, the article applauds war because it rids the world of mass quantities of human beings, and thus minimizes the strain too many people impose on global resources, but laments that during wartime so much good food goes to waste before it can be preserved for later. The Chef encourages armies to carry extra salt and refrigerators on every helicopter and tank.

There's a personals section so people who want to eat people can meet people who want to be eaten. One ad starts, "Lovers nourish each other. Let's do that literally."

There's a recipe section. The first recipe is for finger food. Jake doesn't read that part any further.

There's a book review of Cannibalism: From Sacrifice To Survival by Hans Askenasy. The book gets a rave review, and the Cannibal Chef says that the Caribs, whom cannibals were named after courtesy of Christopher Columbus's mispronunciation, said that the French were "delicious", the English "so-so", the Dutch "tasteless", and the Spanish "so tough as to be virtually inedible". The Chef adds, "I'd have to agree, but I like Asian food best anyway." Next month, the Chef plans to review "On Cannibals" by Montaigne.

There's a thumbs up for Catholicism because the Chef says that the transubstantiation at communion is an example of magic cannibalism wherein the eater gets to absorb the characteristics of the eaten. He says it's a religion with rituals that he could sink his teeth into.

There's a joke section that includes such classics as "What did the one cannibal say to the other cannibal in Mexico City? I'm tired of eating Mexican every night: Let's find a tourist" and Jake's personal favorite, "What does a cannibal call fast food? A track team, but they could use a 'dash' of salt typically after all that running and sweating."

Jake decides not to email the Chef or leave a message on the guestbook of the Cookbook, but instead writes a response beneath the Chef's comment on Jake's blog: "Thanks for the feedback! Your website's a trip dude. It's a put-on, right? I dig The Cannibals' shtick in the ring, but I'm not into eating people. I'm mostly a vegetarian who also likes bacon. Bacon's too good to give up. In fact, bacon is so delicious that I think the problems in the Middle East would disappear if all the people there sat down and had some BLTs together."

Jake hopes this is the last he'll hear from the Cannibal Chef. He is hungry and wonders who, er, what is for dinner.

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.